How the recent discovery of Noah's Ark really went down.

Recently a group of Chinese "Ark-eologists" found what they believe to be the actual Noah's Ark in Turkey. Most scientists are very skeptical and some even laugh at such a claim. Nevertheless, these Chinese folks are very confident (99% so) and have released several press releases about their discovery.

- Hey Bob, you might want to come over here and take a look at this.

- Interesting Kevin, what have you found there?

Hm, it looks like some old boards and a crate or something. HEY TOM - GET OVER HERE! YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO TAKE A LOOK AT THIS!

- Hey guys, I was just digging over there by that rock. What are you looking at?

- Okay Tom, get this - we found... some boards... and a crate. A CRATE!

- Here let me take a look at those.

Yep. Just as I thought... it's the Ark.

THE ARK? THE ARK HAS BEEN FOUND!

- TOM! That's the best news ever! We've been climbing around this blasted mountain for days. All we've found is a bunch of silly string canisters and a rusted Bedazzler.

- Three cheers for Tom!
Hip Hip - HURRAY
Hip Hip - HURRAY

- What about Kevin? He's the one that found the stuff?

- Three cheers for Kevin???

- Dude, Kevin is a turd-wad. He totally forgot the mayo on my sandwich today. I bet he just tossed that crap over there while we weren't looking and said it belonged to Noah.

- Fine, don't cheer for me. Can we just go home now? I have a really bad sunburn and this dust is really bad for my asthma. Tom's got to check it anyway.

- He's right guys, before we go home, I have to send this stuff to the lab for checking. Take it to the back of my Astro Van, I'll be there in a sec. Now where is that magnifying glass and those tweezers? Will someone bring me my satchel?

Now everyone - hold your breath while I go do some checking.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - -- - - -

- OKAY EVERYONE. I HAVE INCREDIBLE NEWS! IT'S OFFICIAL - WE FOUND THE ARK!

- Dang it! Kevin WAS RIGHT?!

- I told you guys.

- Hold on Tom. How sure are you?

- Like 60% sure.

- 60%? That's it?

- Okay, like 60 - 90% sure.

- Oh. Better I guess.

- No, 99% sure. I'm 99% sure.

HURRAY FOR TOM! TOM'S THE MAN! THREE MORE CHEERS FOR TOM!

- So Tom, how do you know for sure?

- The second board I looked at had a N.A. pecked into it. Probably the work of a woodpecker.

- More like TWO woodpeckers.

-Right.

- Call the press. We found the ark!

- Who's got John Stossel's cell?

I should totally be in the Genius Book of World Records.

One of my first graders checked out what they called the "2009 Genius Book of World Records" from the library today. (Every time they ask the librarian for the "Genius Book" it cracks me up.)

There was something in it that she just HAD to show me:

LUCY: Mr. Cheeseboy! Look at this! (Holds up the book.) The WORLD'S BIGGEST CHOPSTICKS!

ME: That's great Lucy. Wow. Cool.

LUCY: I know! (She runs away to show her friends.)

Now, I know I humored this kid and acted like these "chopsticks" were an amazing feat. However, I was thinking:

SOME DUDE GLUES A FEW TWO BY FOURS TOGETHER, CALLS THEM CHOPSTICKS AND GETS INTO THE WORLD RECORD BOOK?! WHAT THE #@%&!

Thus, I decided that I too belong in the Genius Book of Records. I spent all afternoon taking pictures of stuff around the house and I am officially submitting these items to the record book:

1. I am submitting this as the "WORLD'S SMALLEST DUMPSTER". (I will not be doing any posts from inside.)


2. I am submitting this as the "WORLD'S BIGGEST DOG HOUSE". (Really just my garage, but don't tell them that.)


3. I am submitting this as the "WORLD'S LARGEST TOOTHPICK". (Surely, I will win. No one can top the size of this toothpick in my front yard.)



4. I am submitting this as "WORLD'S HOTTEST WIFE". - NO WAY I LOSE THIS ONE EITHER!!!

This week's school lunch menu if it were to be described by "The Food Network".

MONDAY

Entree Selection 1

Today's first selection is a nicely rounded Russet potato that has been boiled, not baked. It's rustled brown coat has been sliced open to reveal it's delightful, white inner body.

Topping options are plentiful: soft squares of ham-like brawn, a dab of pure sour cream and aged, hardened cheddar bits.

Entree Selection 2

The second selection is a nice white bread, staled to perfection and topped with a ham/turkey medley meat. On the side is a nice array of assorted Fruit Loops and marshmallows in a plastic cup.

TUESDAY

Entree Selection 1

Our first option today is an imported slice of pizza, sprinkled with a touch of peperoni. Each slice was hand tossed and glazed at Five Buck Pizza.

Entree Selection 2

For the health conscious eater, we offer a second choice of "ham" and cheese on a lightly salted Tollhouse cracker. Those selecting this low calorie treat will also have access to our canned fruit bar in which they may indulge in spoonfuls of peaches in a heavy treacle of corn syrup.

Wednesday

Entree Selection 1

Today's first choice is a lovely pancaked sausage, complete with a small crate of syrup for gentle dipping. The sausage has been lovingly slaughtered and sliced from the best part of the cow hoof. The pancake batter has been slowly hand stirred until it has reached a full, rich cream. Low in sodium and cholesterol, this is one meal your child will not want to miss.

Entree Selection 2

A specialty of the house, the Navajo Taco, has been a mainstay in the school lunch repertoire. Simply take a delightful scone - fried in only the smoothest of oils - and pile a heaping load of gravied beans on top. It's the dish that Women's Day Magazine calls "Horrendous on every level", but we simply like to call it "delicious".

Thursday

Entree Selection 1

Our first entree today are finely crafted corn chips crowned with a melted, zangy cheese sauce. With each bite, your child will be launched into a plastic cheese induced diabetic coma of joy. As promised, this entree has an available side of fresh off-the-farm chocolate pudding.

Entree Selection 2

We are pleased to announce that Thursday is "Treasure Trout" day. Our treasure trout is made from 100% New Zealand cod, imported straight to your child's platter. Treasure Trout are smothered in a sodden breaded coating with flavor crystals that bursts into your mouth like a defecating tropical squid.

This week only, in honor of Earth Day, we have lowered the amount of dolphin in our cod from 3% to .5%. You're welcome, Mother Nature and baby dolphins.

FRIDAY

Entree Selection 1

Our finest chicken breast is chosen for famous Friday nugget day. Your child will sink their teeth into a breaded outer coating synonymous to the chicken nuggets you'd find at any five star restaurant. Our chickens are hand picked from the finest piles of discarded chicken and ground into a gossamery paste. We then delicately stuff the paste into the breaded coating and generously heat in state-of-the-art microwave ovens. Every morsel is a euphoric experience.

Entree Selection 2

Our second selection for this fabulous Friday is an elegant cut of our famous Country Fried Pork Ribblets. We use only the most refined sauces from our collection of sublime sauces. Each ribblet is hand rubbed with care and sprinkled with a charming array of herbs and spices.

How I convinced my 8 year old son that going to Build-A-Bear Workshop is a bad idea.

Hey there son - come on over here and pull up a seat, or a bean bag chair, or the carpet. It's time you and I had THE chat.

No, not where babies come from.We'll go over that when your 30.

Now look son, I know you are mesmerised by the bright allure and enormous wooden bears in the windows of the Build-A-Bear Workshop. We ALL are, son. It's spellbinding, but there are things you need to know about that place; secret things that they don't want you to know.

I know, the entry looks so welcoming, and you are greeted by those two teenage goth girls with rings through their noses. They are pretending to be well-intentioned Disney cast members holding sewing needles. Those girls are not as nice as they look. I think they might really be vampires. They don't want to tell you that because who is going to buy stuffed animals from vampires?

I know, you're right... other vampires.

Here's another thing son: Build-A-Bear sucks you in and trains you to work for "THE MAN". Who's "the man", you ask? It's your future boss if you start buying bears at the workshop.

You see, Build-A-Bear is simply an energized, youthful assembly line. Really, it's a training course in how to build simple goods. They're trying to trick you into seeing the benefits of such simple minded work. Filling a stuffed bear today, filling Twinkies with cream tomorrow. Pushing a button today for button eyes today, pushing a button for button fly jeans tomorrow. It's all an evil game to these folks.

Have I confused you son? Well let me give you some other examples.

Do you know where stuffed animals USUALLY come from? No? Singapore. And do you know WHO is usually putting these stuffed animals together? No?

Singaporean orphan children.

They make a penny per bear, and a penny goes a long way in Singapore; that is how they buy their soup to survive. For every bear you make at Build-A-Bear, a starving orphan in Singapore goes hungry. Do you want to feel responsible for hungry orphans?

Listen son, if you can get over the training for monotonous shift work and the hungry orphans in Singapore, there is also the problem of the price of the bears. Let's see... the initial bear costs about $32.00. The clothing is at least $40.00. That's $72.00 for an 8 inch bear and an outfit made of plastic.

Do you realize you can get 72 stuffed animals at the Dollar Tree for $72.00? Why that's only 50 cents a bear!

How about this? How about I go get one of your old teddy bears and rip it apart? I'll get the needle and thread and you can go at it. It will be like Re-Build-A-Bear.

I don't mean to fill you with gloom and doom, son. I suppose there is some hope. You know the Andersons, up the street? They are loaded. They might even have a Wii! You should become friends with little Sarah Anderson. I bet she goes to Build-A-Bear for her HALF birthday parties! She probably takes friends to Build-A-Bear as a birthday party WARM UP!

So son, do you see why we can never set foot in a Build-A-Bear SWEATSHOP? I know it's tough, but I hope you understand.

What do you mean you wanted something called a "Webkinz"? How much do they cost?

Really? Why you can have two of them.

You're welcome.

How my moronic ways helped me not score with the ladies.

When I was a kid, I was a total moron. Now, when I say moron, I mean exactly this: I would do anything and everything for a laugh - just like any self respecting moron would do.

If it meant licking bugs off the windshield in Moab Utah, the bugs were licked.

If it meant shaving both my eyebrows in the back seat of a suburban, brows were shaved to bloody stubs.

If it meant streaking... uh, never mind, my mom reads this blog.

"Moron", "twit", "jackass" - I fit every description. At 34, I am not sure if I have outgrown this phase of my life. I'd like to think so, but if you have seen me dance, you'd probably disagree with me.

At the age of 17, I came to the harsh realization that my involvement as the town nitwit was completely at odds with the raging hormones bouncing off every fiber of my being. It appeared, at least on the surface, that girls did not appreciate a good bug lick. (That came off much dirtier than it really is.)

My first attempt to kiss a girl went exactly like this:

Scene: Second date with a average to below average looking girl. (Most would say BELOW average.) We are standing nervously next to her 1984 blue Volkswagon bug. After some small talk about something really lame - most likely how my acne has recently cleared up - I lean in for the kiss.

And... ACTION!

- EXCUSE ME. What are you doing?!
- Uh, nothing. Sorry. Sorry.
- Abe, I really don't think I like you like that.
- Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything... I mean, you were totally laughing the entire night.
- Yeah, I know. You are a funny guy, but you kinda talk about stupid stuff and do strange things.
- Really? Well, I am just...
- Well, it's like you are trying TOO hard.
- Oh. Ouch. Well, I thought I was totally lowering my standards by going out with you. I am doing YOU a favor here. If you won't kiss me, then WHO THE HECK WILL?!

Okay, that last line I may have not said, but it is exactly what I WANTED to say. I should have said it. I was so pathetic.

So, I was at a crossroads; a fork in the road, or another place where you have to make a decision to go one way or another.

In order to respect and honor the ladies, I decided to scale back the moronic act a little.

Yeah, that's the ticket - I did it out of respect and honor for the ladies. The hormones were an afterthought. What I mean by that is that I thought about my hormones after I thought about the ladies and I thought about them almost nonstop.

Alas, my efforts did not prove fruitless as a mere year later, I was able to sweep my ultra hot wife off her feet. Once I was able to accomplish that titanic task, I could go back to my moronic ways for laughs - like sitting midday in a dumpster full of rotten chocolate milk. (See three posts below.)

How they choose the women for "The Bachelor".

Please honestly complete the following questionnaire and return to the creepy bearded man at the desk.

1. Are you single?

- Yes (Continue to question 2.)
- No (Stop now and return this to the creepy, bony bearded man at the front desk.)

2. How many times have you been married?

- 0 (Continue to question 3.)
- 1-2 (Continue to question 3.)
- 3-4 (Lie and circle one of the above answers and then continue to question 3.)

3. How many STD's do you currently have?

- 0 (Stop now and return this to the flesh colored bearded man at the front desk with the butterfly tattoo on his middle back.)
- 1 (Continue to question 4 if it is not contagious.)
- 1, but it is contagious (Continue to question 4.)
-2 + (Continue to question 4.)

4. On a scale of 1- 10, how desperate are you exactly?

- 0-5 (Stop now and return this to the flesh colored bearded man at the front desk with the butterfly tattoo and the Wendy style ponytails in his hair.)
- 6-8 (Continue to question 5.)
- 8 - 10 (Stop here. You're hired.)

5. How many distinguishable physical flaws do you have?

- 0 (Honestly, you are too good for this show; but feel free to come back in December when we are casting for the lead in "The Bachelorette")
- 1 (Continue to question 6.)
- 2 (Unless you are planning on plastic surgery before the show starts, stop here and take this to the creepy bearded man at the front desk with a fake parrot on his shoulder.)

6. How prone are you to crying?

- Not at all. (Stop here and return this to the creepy bearded man at the front desk with the dripping, open sores on his neck.)
- Somewhat (Continue to question 7 if you can turn "somewhat" into "always".
-Always (Continue on to question 7.)

7. Are you open to arguing with other girls, sometimes including playful pillow fights?

- Yes (Continue to question 8.)
- No (Stop here and take this directly to the creepy bearded guy at the front desk with the overactive bladder that is wearing an adult diaper.)

8. If the Bachelor selects you, do you expect to get married?

- Yes (Continue to question 9.)
- No (Continue to question 9.)

9. Are you opposed to making out (or beyond) in a hot tub that other women have also made out (or beyond) in?

- Yes (Continue to the final question.)
-No (Stop here and take this directly to the creepy, bearded man at the front desk that has used mascara to make whiskers on his chin.)

10. Could you read this questionnaire?

- Yes (Take this directly to the creepy, bearded man at the front desk wearing the grass skirt and coconut bra.)
- No (Congratulations, you're hired! The bearded man is actually Ryan Callahan, Producer of The Bachelor. He has a few more "questions" to ask you. You'll need to put on this bikini and meet him in the hot tub out back.)

And no, it is not a time traveling hot tub.

** Note to readers: No I do NOT watch The Bachelor. I have only seen the commercials, but the commercials alone provided enough information for this post. And for reading this far - all of you get a rose!

Now, this is a birthday pickle to be sure.

It's my birthday today and I haven't a thing to wear.

I mean, really I could just wear the jeans and tee shirt I have on right now, but come on - this is a special day and I really should throw something on a little more formal.

Is it too late in the season to wear a mink coat? It is rather stormy outside and I haven't worn my mink since the spray painting incident of '07.

Fortunately, it was Crayola washable spray paint. Those punk kids were too stupid to look at the label.

Maybe I'll wear my cowboy boots and a fedora hat. Unfortunately, my fedora is still dimpled from that fight I got in at that Clay Aiken concert.

Now, I didn't have a choice; that dude was changing the lyrics. "If I were not invisa-crappy"?! That doesn't even rhyme. Plus, if you don't like him, why did you come to his concert?

"AIKEN, YOU SUCK!" was the last straw.

Stupid bozo dimpled my fedora. It's okay - I totally wrinkled his vintage Harley Davidson tee shirt.

I could wear my Goatlord Death Metal leather jacket, but I get so sweaty and my it always smears my temporary tattoos.

Perhaps I will show off my chest hair a bit and wear my shirt unbuttoned. Just the top two, I don't want to throw the women into a tizzy. It might get a little frightening, I measured one of my chest hairs at 8 inches yesterday.

Hasselhoff wishes he had an 8 inch long chest hair.

I am in such a quandary as all of my ideas seem to be good ones. It is my birthday, and I would like to look nice.

Perhaps you could help? What should I wear to How To Train A Dragon tonight? I'd really like to make a splash at the theater for my birthday.

Cheeseboy in a Dumpster

Please do not drop me as a follower just because this video has been posted.

Something is in the works for 200 followers.

I'd like to thank Paige Page Page for filming this for me.

Why my son loves wearing moonboots in late April.

Check out my freshly minted 4-year-old son today in his moon boots:


Moonboots? In late April? Unfortunately, it is the only footwear he will sport.

Now, you may also notice his enchanted Christmas colored clothing, including his wedgie shorts. You see, he has been very insistent lately that he dress himself and has apparently been getting fashion advice from a combination Napoleon Dynamite and this guy:

Now, it's not just he moonboots he is wearing in late April that has me worried. No, this has been disturbing me for so many other reasons:

1. He insists on wearing these moonboots out in public - to stores even - and marching around like some sort of mega footed male clogger.

2. He does not wear socks with the boots, instead choosing to grow a vile bacteria equal to in potency of that dripping from Richard Simmon's chest hair.

3. The reason he wears these boots is that he calls them his "Gaston Boots".

4. The reason that he calls them his "Gaston Boots" is that his favorite movie is Beauty and the Beast.

Ugh.

5. The reason that he calls them his "Gaston Boots" is that he worships the evil Gaston and thinks he a brave warrior and the coolest man ever.

Is that as bad as it sounds? No? Well...

6. His favorite thing to do is march around in his "Gaston Boots" and yell, "KILL THE BEAST!" while stabbing his plastic sword in the air.

7. He gets angry when the beast kills Gaston at the end of the movie.

And THAT, my friends, is why he is wearing Moon boots in late April.

I am so worried about that kid.

**The dumpster dive will be posted on Friday. Time to gather the fam around the computer and enjoy Cheeseboy frolicking in garbage.

Paige Davis for The Blog O' Cheese - Take 1

Paige and I finally got together to make our first commercial. This is my first foray into advertising. I wrote the script and trained Paige in the ways of the acting and speaking professionally. However, I did not work out other minor details like editing out the sounds of recess, making sure all of the dialog is captured and holding the camera in the right direction.

Anyway, Paige's first of many commercials for The Blog O' Cheese. Just tip your laptop sideways and enjoy!

How those annoying school fundraisers your kids are always bringing home got started.

- At the wrapping paper plant -

- Sir, we just received the quarterly report and our sales are way down.

- And why would that be, moron?

- It's the gift card industry man. It's booming!

- Hm. Yes, you're right. No one wraps gift cards, and even if they did, it takes very little paper. Not only that, but everyone is buying online.

- And Earth Day is coming up. No one uses paper around Earth Day. We're so screwed, Sir.

- HOLD ON! I just had a thought. Who is ALWAYS needing money?

- My X-Wife?

- No, think BIGGER.

- Not sure if there is anything bigger than my X-Wife, Sir.

- No, I am talking about millions big. Maybe even billions. I'm talking about the P... T... A... !

- We can't gift wrap the PTA, Sir. It's just not feasible. Not with all the cookies they eat at those meetings and their giant minivans.

- No no, moron. Here's what we do: We have kids - like elementary school kids - go door to door and sell our wrapping paper for us. We mark it up, like double what it's worth, and the school earns a small profit.

People simply can't turn down a mopey kid with a desperate face and a goofy haircut on their doorstep.

- It's brilliant Sir. But I have only one question: How are we going to get these kids to sell our cruddy, overpriced wrapping paper for us?

- Simple. Two ways: 1. We guilt the parents into thinking that every child at the school will be left behind and no one will go on a field trip ever again. 2. We bribe the children with cheap toys.

- What kind of cheap toys?

- Well, it could be based on how much they sell. Say they sold one roll - we'd give them like a smelly pencil or something. If they sold more than five rolls of paper, we'd give them the smelly pencil AND a coupon for a free Frosty at Wendy's.

- Amazing Sir. Simply genius. What if they sold like 50 items?

- Ah yes, the overachieving, overly-competitive type... and their kids. They are our best salesmen! We'll give them the smelly pencil, the free Frosty AND a they get a pizza party.

- Sir, a pizza party?

- Yeah, Little Caesars has it hot and ready. But one slice only per kid. ONE SLICE ONLY!

- Smart. But what about the kid that sells the most rolls?

- We'll give them a ride in my limo. My driver will love it. We'll throw down the plastic on the interior and let them have at it.

- So much wisdom you possess. I only have one other concern Sir: Going door to door is dangerous for little kids. What if the schools don't fall for it.

- Interesting quandary, but I've already thought it through...

We have their MOMS take the crap to WORK and endlessly annoy their coworkers to buy it for the sake of future of their children.

There could even be a list when they sell it to their coworkers. "Look at Bivins. He bought like 6 boxes." There will be so much guilt, everyone will buy!

- I'll have these lists run immediately.

----------------- 10 years later ---------------------------------------------------

- Sir, the wrapping paper is not selling again, even with our guilt tactics and cheap bribes.

- Hm. Interesting. Have you ever thought about the cookie dough industry?

The monster room in my church. (It's next to the nursury.)

There is a holding room where they keep all the monsters in my church building.

The room holds 17 monsters. All 17 monsters in the room are very, very mean. They all have long, scraggly teeth.

One of the monsters has teeth like a shark and can bite a person in half. One of the monsters can swallow a small boy whole - just like that.

One really hairy monster likes to give four year old's haircuts; long, drawn out haircuts, using nothing but it's teeth and some old, rusted clippers.

There are three green, wet monsters that take all of your church treats away and replace them with gummy slime that tastes like mashed pickles.

Some monsters in the monster room will never stop scaring you. They follow you around forever.

There is no way out of the monster room.

There is only one key to the monster room and the Bishop gives it to a parent with a child that is not being reverent. HE HAS GIVEN ME THAT KEY! ARE YOU READY TO GO?

- This is exactly what I whispered to my four year old during church services today after I pulled him from under the pews for the 8th time as he was singing about Spiderman in his loudest voice. It worked... for a little while.

In honor of my 100th follower, I give you the following important Blog O' Cheese facts:

Given my recent splurge of new readership and my 100th follower, I thought you might all be interested in a few haphazardly surprising Blog O' Cheese facts.

- The blog was established in 2008 and had a total readership of 1 - myself.

- The blog was originally created to help starving children in Mediterranean/Baltic area, but has morphed into a blog that provides assistance to starving adults that are between meals everywhere. This blog gives us all hope that dinner is just an hour or two away. I feel that this is a greater cause.

- The Blog O' Cheese has been called "inspiring", "uplifting" and "one of the year's best", which is also, not coincidentally, what this copy of The Blind Side that I am holding says on the cover. This blog could also be described as "Sandra Bullock shines!"

- The blog has a strong "mommy blog" following, but that is only because mommies generally do love Sandra Bullock.

- The official spokeswoman of the Blog O' Cheese is Paige Davis of Trading Spaces fame. She has a series of Blog O' Cheese ads that will be airing across the nation soon, but you will see them here first.

- The official mascot of the Blog O' Cheese is also Paige Davis. However, the mascot is not Paige herself, just someone dressed up in an cartoon Paige Davis costume.

- There may be a Paige Davis, Blog O' Cheese balloon in the next Pioneer Days parade.

- The staff at the Blog O' Cheese consists of myself, my secretary and Paige Davis, who is also my secretary. Also, Paige is in charge of sewing and creating a parade balloon of herself.

- The Blog O' Cheese has officially won one award, the "First to 100 award" given to me by the lovely Beth at: Beth: A Work in Progress. Thank you Beth, you are a saint, or a saintess, or whatever we call female saints nowadays. But really, it's not about the awards for me. It's all about helping some hungry sap make it through their last couple hours of work before dinner time.

- The official song of the Blog O' Cheese is "My Funny Valentine", but NOT the self-indulging, ghastly Sinatra version. No, the official song of the Blog O' Cheese is the illustrious Michael Bolton version of "My Funny Valentine".

- The Blog O' Cheese is politically neutral. However, if we as a staff were to choose a political party, it would probably be the Rastafarian movement because both Paige and I loved Cool Runnings.

- As promised, there will be a video blog from the dumpster at my school. I plan on taping it on Wednesday or Thursday, depending on when Paige can get the balloon finished.

A Smorgasbord in a Cornucopia of Lunacy.

I have a bunch random of stuff I have wanted to blog about, but none of them really seem "post worthy", so I am therefore combining all non post worthy items into one large post.

4 non worthy post items may not equal one post worthy item, but let us pretend it does.

1. I mentioned that I wanted to grow out my hair to match Vampire Weekend's Ezra Koenig:

Unfortunately, I think that I am actually achieving more of a Rod Blagojevich look:














2. I have this hairy cousin Tim that may actually have more hair on his arms than I do, but I doubt it. Anyhow, Tim and I are good friends as well as cousins. He happens to be a Fish Biologist in Las Vegas. (Contrary to popular belief, this does NOT mean he cleans the tanks at the Venetian and the Bellagio.)

As a Fish Biologist, Tim does a lot of aimless wandering of the desert and waterways. He is also a fantastic photographer. (I mean, he's good, but only because he read this post I did on how to take great pictures.) The other day, he took this very strange photo:


Finally, something disturbing enough to get the image of Enhanced Bedazzlement out of my head!

3. Forget the blossoms popping on apricot trees. The true sign that spring has arrived is the great Neil Diamond Sweet Carolining at the opening game. (For the record, Neil Diamond is the greatest singer/songwriter of ours or any generation. Also, there are two types of people in this world, those that like Neil Diamond and those who don't. I happen to love him.)



4. A little while ago, I had a poll that asked "What is the funniest show on television right now?"

The choices were:
The Office
Modern Family
30 Rock
Parks & Rec
How I Met Your Mother
The Big Bang Theory

However, quite a few people selected "other". I'd like to know - what hilarious show are you watching that I do not know about? I am always looking for new, great comedy.

What the lewd, bedazzled lady say to the unsullied, goofy First Grade teacher. Life will never be the same.

I had a meeting the other night. A teacher meeting. This stuff happens when you are a teacher.

I got there early and sat at a table, alone. Five minutes later a woman, in her late 40's sits next to me.

She might have been in her early 50’s.

No, she might have been in her late 40’s. She looked like she possibly could have done a lot of meth in her past.

She is wearing a low cut blouse and bedazzled jeans. Her purse was also bedazzled beyond belief. The bedazzlement was abundant. There was more bedazzlement on her jeans than Shannon Daugherty has sappy moments on the Lifetime movie network.

This woman could actually have a meth/bedazzler lab in her basement.

A lot of people don’t know this, but bedazzling is just a gateway to meth. And both are a gateway to getting your own feature on peopleofwalmart.com.

Soon, this woman is talking to me. Shortly after, she is joined by her large, loud, mustached friend.

The mustached friend is also woman. (At least I think she was.)

We begin to have a conversation about why Miss 50-year-old bedazzled missed the first week of class.

RECENTLY ENHANCED BEDAZZLEMENT: Oh, I was getting ELECTIVE surgery.

MUSTACHED SALLY: Yeah? What did you have done?

RECENTLY ENHANCED BEDAZZLEMENT: (She puts her hands out in front of her chest.) "ELECTIVE SURGERY!”

My interest has peaked. This conversation now has my full attention.

The entire cast of Jersey Shore could have been greasing up in that classroom and I wouldn’t have noticed. For all I know, Snookie got punched in the face.

MUSTACHED SALLY: Oh wow.

RECENTLY ENHANCED BEDAZZLEMENT: Yeah, had some liposuction done while they were at it.

(Recently enhanced bedazzlement then looks intently at me.)

RECENTLY ENHANCED BEDAZZLEMENT:Do you guys want to see them? I can show you during the break.

She is smiling. Why is she smiling?!

MY MOUTH: Uh, uh, uh... no I'm good.

MY BRAIN: NO! NO NO NO. SO GROSS, SO GROSS, SOOOOO GROSS!

- Mustached Salley then went to the bathroom with Recently Enhanced Bedazzlement.

I decided to not go to the bathroom with Recently Enhanced Bedazzlement.

I still have my innocence.

20 minutes into class, Bedazzled 50-year-old’s cell phone blazes Ludacris's "My Chick Bad" and everyone turns and looks at our table.

A Dolly Parton song would have been more fitting.

**This is a family blog, please keep comments appropriate… unless you use a lot of euphemisms so that I am the only one that knows what the heck you are talking about.