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| My kid. Seemed fitting. |
"Stop playing video games and go play outside." = "Go to the neighbors and play video games."
"COME INSIDE AND EAT DINNER!" = "Quick, hide!"
"Go clean your room." = "Stand in the center of your room and whine. Continue until yelled at."
"Stop crying." = "Cry harder."
"Eat your dinner or no dessert." = "Take tiny bites and make moaning noises until we cave. Also, pretend to gag a lot."
"Brush your teeth." = "Stand on the toilet. Hang on towel rack."
"Stop fighting with your brother." = "Please go on a 15 minute rant to inform us who 'started it'. We find this information very useful and it matters very much to us."
"You can't have a sleepover tonight." = "SCREAM!"
"Please put your dishes in the dishwasher." = "Please throw your dish in the dishwasher. Run out the door at full speed. Yell, "BYE MOM!"
"Close the door!" = Moan, turn around, walk over to the door, close it in disgust, walk to kitchen, look for something to eat."
"Go take a shower." = "Stand in shower for 20 minutes. Act surprised when you get yelled at to get out."
"Hurry and find your shoes!" = "Look in closet. If not there, cry and scream 'I CAN'T FIND THEM! Make mom angry. Make her look everywhere while you just stand in the middle of the room and cry. Allow her to find them by the door. Watch as she says, 'THEY'RE RIGHT HERE!'. Stop crying and smile. Listen to your angry mom say, 'If you just put them where they belong you could find them!' Act relieved. Repeat entire process in two days."
"COME INSIDE AND EAT DINNER!" = "Quick, hide!"
"Go clean your room." = "Stand in the center of your room and whine. Continue until yelled at."
"Stop crying." = "Cry harder."
"Eat your dinner or no dessert." = "Take tiny bites and make moaning noises until we cave. Also, pretend to gag a lot."
"Brush your teeth." = "Stand on the toilet. Hang on towel rack."
"Stop fighting with your brother." = "Please go on a 15 minute rant to inform us who 'started it'. We find this information very useful and it matters very much to us."
"You can't have a sleepover tonight." = "SCREAM!"
"Please put your dishes in the dishwasher." = "Please throw your dish in the dishwasher. Run out the door at full speed. Yell, "BYE MOM!"
"Close the door!" = Moan, turn around, walk over to the door, close it in disgust, walk to kitchen, look for something to eat."
"Go take a shower." = "Stand in shower for 20 minutes. Act surprised when you get yelled at to get out."
"Hurry and find your shoes!" = "Look in closet. If not there, cry and scream 'I CAN'T FIND THEM! Make mom angry. Make her look everywhere while you just stand in the middle of the room and cry. Allow her to find them by the door. Watch as she says, 'THEY'RE RIGHT HERE!'. Stop crying and smile. Listen to your angry mom say, 'If you just put them where they belong you could find them!' Act relieved. Repeat entire process in two days."
It doesn't change when they turn 15, except video games becomes smoke pot.
ReplyDeletecouldn't have said it better myself... :)
ReplyDeleteBeen there - got the t-shirt.
ReplyDeletehave you been spying on us?
ReplyDeleteBang on the button - I wrote a similarly themed post a while back ...
ReplyDeletehttp://www.glenslife.com/2009/06/what-parents-say-what-their-kids-hear.html
It appears all kids are - in fact - the same :-)
Not only universal but all of those can stand the test of time. My children did those things (minus the dishwasher and playing video games but those have non-electrical substitutions) and they are in their mid-late 30's now.
ReplyDeleteSounds very familiar. I can especially relate to the missing shoes. In fact I had a dream last night of buying new shoes for my child only to lose them on the way home.
ReplyDeleteJust wait till they get their driver's licenses, it gets worse.
ReplyDeleteI ask where are you going only to get the reply 'out'. I ask who with only to be told, 'friends'. And my favorite, when will you be back, 'later'.
So grateful I have such fun things to look forward to. My particular favorite is the gagging. I think a school edition of this post might be in order...
ReplyDeleteLet me add some for teenagers:
ReplyDelete*Sure you can paint the patio furniture = please leave a dirty paint brush on my kitchen counter so it will dry stuck to the surface
*Can you please run to the grocery store and pick up things we need for dinner = please buy $25 of junk food while you are there
Oh...and if you can answer this question then you are a parenting god: Why were my measuring spoons in the teen girls' bathroom?
I do the same thing when I can't find my shoes!!
ReplyDeleteYou are killing me with the 20 minute showers. So funny, and true. I now have one kid who interprets "Come to dinner" as "Get in the bathtub". I just don't get it.
ReplyDelete"Clean your room = shove it all under the bed" to my kids.
ReplyDeleteHaha! This was funny. The shower one I can totally relate too! In fact, sometimes my kids stand in the shower for 20 minutes and then come out STILL DIRTY!! They tell me they "forgot to use soap".
ReplyDeleteSelective hearing! I think all kids hear yes when you say no as well.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely true.
ReplyDeleteVery funny Abe. Btw-I am glad you clarified, that indeed, that was your son pictured-because I don't see any resemblance ;-) Neither in looks or actions!
ReplyDelete"Eat your dinner or no dessert." = "Take tiny bites and make moaning noises until we cave. Also, pretend to gag a lot."
ReplyDeleteWe went to Chick-Fil-A the other night for dinner even though my son has an imaginary allergy to chicken. We told him if he wanted to play in the play place (or urine tube as you would call it, and btw, a kid in there had a huge wet spot on the crotch of his pants), he had to take one bite of a chicken nugget. A few tantrums later, we convinced him to put the tiniest shred of a nugget in his mouth. He made a brief attempt to chew before sputtering, gagging, and spitting the chicken out. It was such a virtuoso performance that we let him go play anyway.
Let's not forget that after you yell at them to get into the shower.... then have to yell at them to get out of the shower.... they will never have actually washed any part of themselves!! They come out just as dirty & smelly as they went in. {Yes, at 17 my son still manages to do this!}
ReplyDeleteSooooooooo very true!
ReplyDeleteHaha this is sooo very very true! love it
ReplyDeleteGo clean your room and go take a shower are RIGHT ON for our house. I love parenting. Yea...
ReplyDeleteThere is a lot of truth to those.
ReplyDeleteIn my house, "Quck - Hide!" is what my kids heard with every command I gave!
ReplyDeleteI don't have kids but yes, I remember hearing those same things as a kid and translating them the way you have.
ReplyDeleteoh my gosh. you are so completly right....hahha. loved this.
ReplyDeleteThis made me laugh out loud! I especially loved the one where you tell them to brush their teeth but they hear "hang on towel rack". Ha! I guess kids are the same everywhere.
ReplyDeleteYou've been hanging around at our house haven't you?
ReplyDeleteI don't think I've ever read a more perfect say/hear list. Brilliant.
ReplyDeleteThat last one doesn't work in my house, the kids (and husband) panic when they can't find something and I start looking for it, because if Mamma finds it first, I sometimes hit them with the very object they are looking for. I love that power.
ReplyDeleteI spent all morning with 8 grandkids! It doesn't skip generations either!
ReplyDeleteI'm not interested in my daughter learning to talk.
ReplyDeleteNot. At. All
So ALL kids hear these things instead of what we really say...interesting. And irritating! :)
ReplyDeleteI don't have any kids of my own, but apparently to my 11 nieces and nephews, "No, I'm not getting that for you" means "Call your Aunt Bee and tell her how much you love it so that she will buy it for you."
ReplyDeleteSo far, it as worked for a Bridal Barbie, a lightsaber, some sort of Polly Pocket set, a who-knew-legos-were-so-expensive lego set, a Zhu Zhu pet, and an "I love the Blues" tanktop.
Ah! So true. Maybe we should start saying the opposite of what we really want them to do.
ReplyDeleteHave you been spying on me again? The bathroom one needs to be changed to: peel off border(because you can reach it) and use your sisters make up to make new border.
ReplyDeleteYou obviously speak the language.
ReplyDeleteBrilliantly observed.
ReplyDeleteYour faulty assumption here is that kids EVER do what they hear.
ReplyDelete:-D
I can't even think of something smarmy to say, this is so spot on. (Smarmy? I don't even know.)
ReplyDeleteWow this could be the running gag that makes you famous sort of like Jeff Foxworthy's 'You know you're a redneck cuz ...' Good stuff - give us more!!! W.C.C.
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue about who started it and the shoes - Oh, damn the shoes! = my life. All so true.
ReplyDeleteLol! This is so true! Our kids totally do that with the shower. Love it
ReplyDeleteYup. I get the same thing at my household and I have 2 teen girls! Hang in there. It only gets worse.
ReplyDeleteI'm not saying it's right, but the shoe thing might explain a lot of violence against children.
ReplyDeleteNow multiply all that by ten and you have MY Aspie kid.
ReplyDeletethe last one is my favorite.
ReplyDeleteOh, this is soooo true! And your vomit story should win a Newberry Medal (or whatever they give for stories!)!
ReplyDeleteMy three girls are hearing impaired. When they want to be. I could whisper in a voice so low the dogs couldn't hear it and say, "i'm going shoe shopping." And they'd be in the car before I could find my keys.
ReplyDeleteOrder them to clean their room and suddenly, the hearing loss sets in.
And it doesn't matter how many times you tell them to put the dishes in the dishwasher, they will never, ever, ever learn to do this without prompting.
After reading that last one about the shoes, I could swear you've been at my house. I have had an almost word for word "discussion" of that many times in this house.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how you do it but it's a good thing your boys are so darn cute (when they're sleeping soundly).
ReplyDeletexoRobyn
"who started it" - the prime reason parents should try to have more than one child.
ReplyDeletetrix-eating rabbit +toes +007 = conspiracy -- come on by I need agents.
My fave here?
ReplyDelete"Go clean your room." = "Stand in the center of your room and whine. Continue until yelled at."
I'd like to stand in the middle of my house when it's a mess and whine. My kids would probably just ignore me the way I ignore them when they pitch fits.
Hit the nail on the head! You must be raising boys! The shoe scenario could be applied to any necessary item of clothing as well. I finally would tell my boys when they were young that if I came in their room and found it I was gonna beat them with it. It took once.
ReplyDeleteOh and when you can't get your kids up in the morning despite repeated attempts to gently and sweetly wake them? Squirt bottle of water.
ReplyDeleteOnly took once.
One of the best posts EVER!!
ReplyDeleteLove the picture!