The Only Time These Slimy Pick Up Lines Actually Work

So, do you come here often?

Why yes, I live here. My dad owns the place.  I have a little room in the back where I sleep and there's a little hole for my pigeons to climb in and out of.  I've decorated the walls with tin foil and glow-in-the-dark Hello Kitty stickers. There's not a ton of room and my 8 cats hate sharing one litter box, but that's the way it goes sometimes.  It's so nice of you to ask.  It's not often someone shows an interest in my home.

Are your legs tired because you've been running through my mind all night long.

No, they're not tired at all.  These are artificial legs.  I lost my legs in a freak spin class accident a couple years ago.  The fact that you thought my legs were genuine is actually quite a compliment.  I am highly attracted to you right now and your ignorance of my handicap makes you quite desirable.

I forgot my number, can I have yours? 


Why yes, I work for the phone company.  You wouldn't believe how many morons are forgetting their own phone number.  I'm not saying you are a moron, just that morons are constantly... forget it.  Anyway, you can reach me at 411.  You can ask for me, my name is Barbara, but any of the ladies there can help you with your lost number problem.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.

Really?  Because I am an alphabet consultant for the US government and the President of the United States has asked me to start a special commission to look into rearranging the alphabet.  What you've told me makes perfect sense.  I'd like to hire you immediately. The pay is a measly 200 grand per year and  it's going to take a lot of one-on-one work and a lot of time together, but I think we can create something the President will like.  You in or what?

How does it feel to be the most beautiful girl in the room?

You do realize that we are at the Miss America After-Party and I came in 47th place, right?  Wait. Hold on... were you one of the judges?  You were, weren't you?  You were the one that actually voted for me!  I KNEW IT!  Thank you.  It's good to finally meet a man that knows beauty when he sees it.  Do you wanna get out of here?