Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentines to Sister Wives

Dearest Mari,

I love you!  You mean the world to me.  You shall always be my very first wife.

You have given me six beautiful children. I realize you have put on a little weight since we were married, but that is okay.  I don't care about the weight.  I like options.

Since it is Valentines Day, tonight is your special night. Meet me at my bedroom door at 4:00.  It should be a special evening.

Kody

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Dearest Christine,

I love you!  You mean the world to me.  You shall always be a wife.

You have given me two beautiful children: Sarah and that new one.  I thank you for remaining skinny.  I like to have options.

Since it is Valentines Day, tonight is YOUR special night.  Meet me at my bedroom door at 5:00.  It should be a special evening.

Kody

PS: You have always been my favorite, but don't tell the others.
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Dearest Janelle,

I love you!  You mean the world to me.  You shall always remain the love of my life. (From Dec. 04 - Oct. 05)

You have given me no children and that's okay.  Fortunately, the others have pulled through.

As the ugliest of my wives, I appreciate all of the ways that you try and make up for it.  It really means a lot.

Since it is Valentines Day, tonight is YOUR special night.  I know how you like playing your harp, so bring your harp to my bedroom at 5:00.  You shall serenade Christine and I as we dine.

Kody
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Dearest Robyn,

I love you!  You mean the world to me.  You shall always be a part of my life. (You're the one with the long, dark brown hair, right?)

You have given me four children: the two beautiful ones and then the other two.

I appreciate how when your mother calls and tries to talk you out of leaving me, that you always tell her that I treat you right most of the time.

Since it is Valentines Day, tonight is YOUR special night.  Meet me at my bedroom door at 6:00.  No, better make it 6:30.  I might be quite tired by then, but I promise to spend at least fifteen minutes with you, my love.

Kody

77 comments:

  1. Yanet @ 3 Sun Kissed BoysFebruary 14, 2011 at 10:15 AM

    Shouldn't the meeting hours be 4:00, 4:05, and 4:15?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Desperate HousemommyFebruary 14, 2011 at 10:15 AM

    *sigh*. Chivalry is not dead.

    ReplyDelete
  3. ShanimalsCrackers.blogspot.comFebruary 14, 2011 at 10:16 AM

    Haha, that's hilarious!

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  4. KyAnn (like Cayenne Pepper, only HOTTER)February 14, 2011 at 10:16 AM

    If you see Kody ask if he needs a fifth wife. I'm totally available.....

    ReplyDelete
  5. BrandonFebruary 14, 2011 at 10:19 AM

    This is why they sell Valentine's cards in 6-packs. Funny stuff.

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  6. Oilfield TrashFebruary 14, 2011 at 10:19 AM

    This was just all kinds of hilarious. Loved it.

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  7. mamahasspokenFebruary 14, 2011 at 10:19 AM

    I guess he is a slime ball, he got their names right but not the looks or how many children they had together right. Or is that what happens when you have so many wives and kids: you don't know which one is which but you do know they are yours?

    ReplyDelete
  8. MelindaFebruary 14, 2011 at 10:25 AM

    Thats why there's at least an hour with each, not because he'll use up the time on them but for recovery right? I've only watched that show a couple of times, but I'm still totally perplexed by it. So weird.

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  9. randineFebruary 14, 2011 at 10:26 AM

    That was hilarious! The letter to Janelle had me laughing out loud!

    ReplyDelete
  10. KellyFebruary 14, 2011 at 10:29 AM

    Such thoughtful love notes. He must be tired after just writing all of those.

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  11. AnonymousFebruary 14, 2011 at 10:30 AM

    Dear Cheeseboy, Mari only had one kid...just so you know. :)

    This was awesome!!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Serene is my name, not my life!February 14, 2011 at 10:40 AM

    Do you ever watch the show Bones?

    There was an episode just last week or the week before, about sister wives.

    Mormons were mentioned quite a bit. It was... creepy. :D

    ReplyDelete
  13. The StiffsFebruary 14, 2011 at 10:41 AM

    No words. Well two...too funny.

    ReplyDelete
  14. mintifreshFebruary 14, 2011 at 10:49 AM

    Sounds like he needs a chart made to keep the wives and kids straight! Course who cares, right? He's got 4 WIVES!!

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  15. Kristina P.February 14, 2011 at 10:54 AM

    Poor Janelle. Frowny face.

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  16. Diane J.February 14, 2011 at 10:57 AM

    Dearest Kody,

    Four won't do, I'm washing my hair.
    Mari

    Dear Kody,

    Five won't do, meeting the milkman.
    Chrisine

    Kody,

    Stuff it you rotten ferbert!

    Janelle

    Dearest Jerk,

    Mari, Christine, Janelle and I have been seeing this wonderful Milkman turned therapist.

    We've been blind to your ways. Mom was right. We're leaving and you better start working your hind end off because you have some serious child support coming up!

    Signed,
    Mari, Christine, Janelle, Robyn.

    You're too funny Cheeseboy. I've never seen the show, but I bet they could put some therapist's children through med school.

    ReplyDelete
  17. DanielleFebruary 14, 2011 at 11:02 AM

    I had to take a peak since it said "sister wives". It is funny, I try to see humor in everything. I will make sure not to tell Robyn to come see, though.....maybe she'd be offended? Maybe she'd laugh?

    ReplyDelete
  18. DeborahFebruary 14, 2011 at 11:03 AM

    Dearest Cheeseboy,

    You have stolen my heart. Somehow you make snorting coffee out of my nose while laughing a pleasant experience.

    Meet me tonight so I can dictate a story to you and you can spin some cheese-humor on it.

    Pretty please.

    With cheese on top.

    Signed,

    Your Fan

    ReplyDelete
  19. MelissaFebruary 14, 2011 at 11:30 AM

    Dear Cheeseboy,

    You are sick and twisted. And funny.

    Poor Kody...my husband only has the opportunity to disappoint one woman on Valentine's Day :)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Beth ZimmermanFebruary 14, 2011 at 11:37 AM

    Abe! You are BAD! And you've somehow eliminated a BUNCH of the kids ... and Christine's baby weight! I haven't watched the show in a while and now I am thoroughly confused! Is Robyn leaving? :)

    ReplyDelete
  21. -stephanie-February 14, 2011 at 11:54 AM

    He's so gross. They all should be wishing each other Happy VD.

    ReplyDelete
  22. See Mom SmileFebruary 14, 2011 at 12:05 PM

    I want the 6:45 to 7:00 slot. Gets my hubby off the hook and me to sleep early! Funny, funny stuff.

    ReplyDelete
  23. MarnieFebruary 14, 2011 at 12:30 PM

    This is funny. This day HAS to be the most difficult one out of the year for polygamists everywhere.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Kate GeisenFebruary 14, 2011 at 12:43 PM

    I almost wish I watched the show, but I think this is better. :)

    LOL at Diane J's comment.

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  25. MommyLisaFebruary 14, 2011 at 12:43 PM

    That show is why I don't watch TLC any longer.

    ReplyDelete
  26. PearlFebruary 14, 2011 at 12:47 PM

    :-) Sometimes, you are brilliant.

    You know that, right?!

    Pearl

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  27. Sara @ Domestically ChallengedFebruary 14, 2011 at 12:52 PM

    I am with Yanet's comment!!!

    ReplyDelete
  28. Joann MannixFebruary 14, 2011 at 1:21 PM

    You know, I always wondered about the ugly one. Does he look at her and think, "Crap, it's the ugly one's night."

    Valentine's Day must be hell for polygamist husbands.

    I'd be a sister wife, if I didn't have to be the one to cook or clean or watch the kids. And if one of the sister wives was a nail tech and could keep my toes polished, it would be a great situation.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Claudya MartinezFebruary 14, 2011 at 1:25 PM

    Love knows no boundaries.

    Happy VD!

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  30. lifeshighwayFebruary 14, 2011 at 1:35 PM

    sigh, to have a precious hour, no 15 minutes with the man of my life. What woman need ask for more.

    ReplyDelete
  31. AmyFebruary 14, 2011 at 2:27 PM

    HA! That is awesome. Long live chivalry on Valentine's Day.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Impulsive AddictFebruary 14, 2011 at 3:22 PM

    Okay....I have a confession: I LOVE THIS SHOW (and you totally messed up the number of children). However, my darling husband now thinks it would be "cool" if we picked up a sister wife. Umm...no thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  33. MindyFebruary 14, 2011 at 3:24 PM

    Ah, the romance. I've never seen the show, but imagine your letters are right on target. Here's the question I have: Does he bring flowers home to each wife? If so, does he play it safe and give them all the same? If not, what about all those tricky meanings for each color? I bet my husband is glad he's only got one wife tonight - even if I am 6 1/2 months pregnant and his time slot might just mean a good snuggle!

    ReplyDelete
  34. Bill LislemanFebruary 14, 2011 at 3:26 PM

    I avoid reality TV so I had to look this up. I like that Kody considers three of the marriages spiritual unions. Most guys get spiritual at some point with their mistresses.
    Your letters are great.

    ReplyDelete
  35. MissyFebruary 14, 2011 at 3:46 PM

    OMG!! This is a Winner!
    Absolutely Funny!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  36. LourieFebruary 14, 2011 at 3:47 PM

    I was thinking long the lines of your first commenter! hahaha. That is a most awesome set of Valentines!

    ReplyDelete
  37. MaceyFebruary 14, 2011 at 3:54 PM

    Oh. My. Hell.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Pat TillettFebruary 14, 2011 at 5:08 PM

    Hilarious!
    This turd really knows how to woo a girl...

    ReplyDelete
  39. TisforTonyaFebruary 14, 2011 at 5:24 PM

    there are no words... none...


    and yet I keep sitting here thinking that I should probably comment somehow about the hilarity - or the creepy chills that are going up and down my spine... whichever :)

    ReplyDelete
  40. Living LifeFebruary 14, 2011 at 5:50 PM

    Very very very funny post Abe! I'm still laughing....

    I can't believe these women are gaga over him. He's a schmuck.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Bossy BettyFebruary 14, 2011 at 6:33 PM

    Who WOULDN'T fall for that handsome devil? I love his hair.

    ReplyDelete
  42. UnknownFebruary 14, 2011 at 6:41 PM

    I honestly believe you are one of my favorite bloggers/writers of all time. The humor keeps me coming back! Love it dude!!!

    ReplyDelete
  43. gigiFebruary 14, 2011 at 7:00 PM

    Thanks for the great laugh tonight!!
    Happy heart day.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Corrina TerryFebruary 14, 2011 at 7:38 PM

    HAAAAAA! LOVE IT!!!! :o) Good one!

    ReplyDelete
  45. Rawknrobyn.blogspot.comFebruary 14, 2011 at 7:42 PM

    Holy crap - there's a Robyn in the mix. She's an embarrassment to us all. I especially like the letter to Janelle. Great post, Cheeseboy.
    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
  46. DB StewartFebruary 14, 2011 at 8:15 PM

    So, so funny. Very, very good.

    ReplyDelete
  47. jFebruary 14, 2011 at 9:02 PM

    Oh shoot, that is great! I hadn't even thought about a polygamist Valentine's Day. You crack me up!

    ReplyDelete
  48. Fearless_Fabulous_GayleFebruary 14, 2011 at 9:30 PM

    I hate it that I know about this show, LOL.
    My BF refuses to watch it, but I can't turn it off!

    The order is:
    Meri, Janelle, Christine, Robyn.
    And like another commenter said, the kids for each wife and the looks are off.

    But, the post was still funny... LOL... And like I said before (as I hang my head in shame, lol), I can't believe I even watch it:(

    ReplyDelete
  49. LazarusFebruary 14, 2011 at 10:19 PM

    "You have given me four children: the two beautiful ones and then the other two." That was my favorite line, very funny and creative post!

    ReplyDelete
  50. JanieceFebruary 15, 2011 at 1:03 AM

    heheheeee
    so are they still "sister" wives???
    Crazy show.

    ReplyDelete
  51. Cruella CollettFebruary 15, 2011 at 3:57 AM

    Tee hee, I'm so glad I got to be his first wife...

    I almost feel a little sorry for the poor guy, though. That is a lot of work for one night!

    ReplyDelete
  52. imbeingheldhostageFebruary 15, 2011 at 3:59 AM

    I'm waiting for polygamy to make a come back. I need someone like Janelle around my house. She does windows, right?

    ReplyDelete
  53. UnknownFebruary 15, 2011 at 6:25 AM

    LOL... Kody, listing his kids, reminds me of the video I saw of Jet's football player Antonio Cromartie where he's trying to list all his kids...Apparently they are all three years old? LOL ANYWAY.. good post today!!

    ReplyDelete
  54. VanessaFebruary 15, 2011 at 8:27 AM

    Dear Kody:
    You forgot which wife was which. Robyn is the new one. Janelle has given you children and they are kind of funky looking. Christine is a little chubby. I guess having 4 wives, it's hard to keep it all straight.

    It's embarrassing that I know all this. But what makes me even more distraught, is that you have picked up your family and moved to Vegas. No more Utah County encounters.

    ReplyDelete
  55. Lola SharpFebruary 15, 2011 at 8:28 AM

    There's so many things I want to say about him, but I can't keep them PG, so I shall merely say:

    A) He's a douche
    B) It's important to have options.
    C) Thus, his wives should get some extra husbands, ya know, options
    D) I kinda wish I had some extra wives 'round here; wives that like to clean, organize, cook and grocery shop. Oh, they're called 'servants'? Then I want me some servants!

    E) It was nice to see you in my comments, oh cheesy one...it's been too long since we've said hello. :) *waves* This was a brills post.

    Lola-->out.

    ReplyDelete
  56. Baby SisterFebruary 15, 2011 at 8:33 AM

    Wow. That was awesome. Really, hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
  57. Middle-aged Mormon ManFebruary 15, 2011 at 8:50 AM

    Sir Cheese: Blogger would not let me sign up to follow you. It gave me this message:

    "We're sorry...

    We were unable to handle your request. Please try again or return a bit later."

    Should I return, or is it an anti-hobo attempt on your part?

    MMM
    http://middle-agedmormonman.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  58. Hart JohnsonFebruary 15, 2011 at 9:09 AM

    *dies*

    Oh, you crack me up. That is considerate of him to schedule so those ladies can plan their other evening entertainment.

    ReplyDelete
  59. Middle-aged Mormon ManFebruary 15, 2011 at 9:09 AM

    I'm in! (I feel tingly)

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  60. Becky @ Babes in HairlandFebruary 15, 2011 at 12:51 PM

    Never watched the show - but you still totally made me laugh! Love the first comment by Yanet @ 3 Sun Kissed Boys!

    ReplyDelete
  61. ConnieFebruary 15, 2011 at 12:54 PM

    You made my day. It was kinda gloomy until you pointed out how tough poor Kody has it. Can we all say "Ahhhhhh, Poor Kody"!

    ReplyDelete
  62. MaryFebruary 15, 2011 at 4:01 PM

    I'm so embarrassed that I'm one of your commentors who actually knows the correct order of the wives, too! HILARIOUS.

    ReplyDelete
  63. baygirl32February 15, 2011 at 4:29 PM

    wow, his notes are so thoughtful, I be there are another 5 wifes waiting in line

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  64. Antares CryptosFebruary 15, 2011 at 4:43 PM

    Too funny. But really, who is Kody kidding?

    He got them Wii controllers for Valentines.

    Hello,
    what kind of cheese are you?

    ReplyDelete
  65. skcoeFebruary 15, 2011 at 5:35 PM

    So wrong. On so many levels. I love it!

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  66. UnknownFebruary 15, 2011 at 6:53 PM

    I don't watch the show, but I'm pretty sure this is exactly how their V-Day played out. Self-esteem factory, that house.

    ReplyDelete
  67. Tracie NallFebruary 16, 2011 at 12:57 AM

    It is so bad.....but so so funny!

    ReplyDelete
  68. Lisa LooFebruary 16, 2011 at 12:37 PM

    Yes, once again you remind me of why I live in the middle of nowhere Montana with only PBS on the TV.

    No worries--we get iTunes--but I make it a rule to never "pay" for reality. I tell my kids we have enough of it right here for free.

    ReplyDelete
  69. Lisa LooFebruary 16, 2011 at 12:38 PM

    And I meant to say that the bit about the ugly kids made me snort my Crystal Light......

    ReplyDelete
  70. jennykate77February 16, 2011 at 12:57 PM

    I never thought about how Sister Wives would handle Valentine's Day. This is hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  71. mCatFebruary 16, 2011 at 1:12 PM

    Poor Kody - he has his hands full keeping all that estrogen happy doesn't he?
    Sucks to be them

    ReplyDelete
  72. UnknownFebruary 16, 2011 at 1:39 PM

    Hahahaha!! I was laughing out loud throughout the whole thing. The ugliest one? Poor thing. The thought of her playing the harp for the other Valentine's dinner is more than I could take. Love it!

    ReplyDelete
  73. NerdyRedneck RobFebruary 16, 2011 at 3:33 PM

    I have no idea what this is about but I still laughed and laughed! Who needs background- just go with the flow. Sorry, that was a trademark of a prostate medicine, I hope I am not sued!

    ReplyDelete
  74. KristenFebruary 16, 2011 at 4:54 PM

    Dear Kody,
    Sorry we missed you tonight. We were out shopping together spending all of your money. It was really nice that you watched all the kids and too bad you are now too tired for any kind of fun because well we were kind of thinking... oh, never mind, you are just not that adventurous.
    Happy Valentines Day!

    ReplyDelete
  75. Bibi @ Bibi's Culinary JourneyFebruary 16, 2011 at 5:29 PM

    Such loving notes. They truly melt my heart...now if only Kody got the names right and the amount of kids with each,lol (just so you know I don't watch)

    ReplyDelete
  76. UnknownFebruary 16, 2011 at 6:34 PM

    Snort.

    Love it.

    Cheeseboy, you will always be my favorite blogger.

    Meet me at my comments box, and we'll trade comments. I'm pretty sure you can't get anything communicable from that.

    ReplyDelete
  77. LeneFebruary 17, 2011 at 6:29 PM

    I often wonder how he ended up with one wife...let alone 4.

    ReplyDelete

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