Welcome to Cloud 9. I will be your guide.

Comments from tourists in italics.

Welcome to Cloud 9 folks.  No need to take off your shoes.  We're not running some fancy-shmanzy operation here.  It's just a cloud.  You 're not going to hurt the carpet - it's washable shag. 

As you can see, there are no pearly gates on Cloud 9.  That is heaven.  Cloud 9 is not heaven.  If you are angry about this, the sign above the ticket counter clearly stated that Cloud 9 is not heaven.  Did you honestly think our $5.99 ticket price would have gotten you to heaven?  Take it up with the big man.

Now, a little background on Cloud 9 everybody: It's your basic alto-cumulus with a nice white hue and a playful hint of gray.  And can you smell that?  That's the new-cloud, rainy day scent. Nice, isn't it?  It's fading though, so if you wouldn't mind not using all the fragrance up in one breath?  That stuff is like 20 bucks at Target!  Fortunately, my wife loves the place.

Holy crap, is he high?

Yep, nine clouds high! Now, over here we have the kitchen... well kitchenette.  It has everything a man needs though: a mini-fridge, a cloud monkey trained to bring the drinks to you and the cloud-Regis that trained the monkey. 

Regis?  

Yeah, don't worry about Regis, he stays busy with the Cloud 9 paperwork and retraining the monkey. 

Alright, follow me into the den.  Watch your step - Regis tends to wander and I know it can get a little foggy in here. Are we all in?  Good.  That there is the eight-track-player for when I have company and over there is an old exercise bike. If you stand on your tip toes, you can kinda see the spot where I keep the litter box.

Dude, this place kinda sucks.  Are you playing Barry Manilow?

Only the best on Cloud 9. And you haven't even seen the bedroom yet.  Right this way...

Here we have the bed.  It is so comfortable, when I close my eyes at night it sort of feels like I am actually floating on a cloud. 

You ARE floating on a cloud!

Well, that would explain it then. 

If you push this button, the bed rotates, but it's broken right now.  My electrician is supposed to come up next Wednesday and look at it.  It takes him awhile - he has to come all the way up from Stratus 4.  But it's worth it - the work from down south is so much cheaper. 

Yeah, we're out of here.  Cloud 9 BLOWS! 

Yes, it does. Every day as a matter of fact.  Sometimes up to 720 miles.

Come on guys, let's go!

Wait, I haven't even shown you the hot tub yet!  It has jets.

[Cloud door slams]

Oh, what the hail.  That always happens.