You see son, some monkeys do have lightsabers! They just aren't mentioned much in Star Wars.

While it seems I am fresh out of creative ideas for the time being, I am fortunate that there has been plenty of hilariosity surrounding me the last few days.  Here a just a few items of blithe and hystericality for your (hopeful) enjoyment.


Item 1: If you are a long time reader of the Cheese Blog, you know that tutor part time at Sylvan Learning Center.  Recently, I have been tutoring a 14 year old fella that happens to be a dwarf.  Now, I am not positive what these folks want to be called nowadays, but I am fairly sure he wouldn't mind being called a dwarf because he will often wear a tee shirt with a "Dwarf Basketball League" logo on the front.

This kid - we shall call him "Kurt" as it is the least offensive name I can think of for a dwarf - is quite energetic and entertaining most of the time.  I, on the other hand, am a moron and I feel badly for the parents that actually pay to have me tutor their kids sometimes.  Anyway, the other day, Kurt and I had the following conversation:

CB (Cheeseboy): So, are you going to do anything for the weekend?

Kurt: Well, my family is going to Lagoon (a lame, wannabe Six Flags, local amusement park with 90% throw-up rides), but I am just going to stay home.

CB: How come?

Kurt: I hate Lagoon.  I am too short for almost all the rides.

CB: [Not thinking at all] Well, give yourself a couple years, you'll get there.

Kurt: [Utter look of bewilderment and disgust on his face.  He says - and quite coyly for a 14 year old...]  Uh, Abe... Do you know something I don't?

Just that I am a moron.


Item 2: Given my life of luxury and pleasure during the summer, I took my two boys to the zoo yesterday.  We were rumbling and fumbling around something called the "Small Animal House" (a place so full of vile scents, they had to had to hang signs on the wall explaining that small animals fart and pee a lot and that is why it stinks so badly), when my four year old and I stopped at a window with small monkeys inside. 

Upon first glance, the closest male monkey to our faces was very, very, shall we say, "happy."  My four year old son and I proceed to have the following conversation:

Calder: DAD!  Look at that monkey!  His tail goes all the way through his body.

CB: Wow, you're right Calder.  That is weird.

Calder: Why is his tail like that dad?

CB: I'm not sure, but I think it is like that in case he falls head first from a really tall tree, he can helicopter down.

Calder: Oh dad.  That is cool.

CB: I KNOW!  HUH?!

Item 3: Our dentist has informed us that our younger son is going to need braces in 10-15 years, which is perfect because then we can put both my colonoscopy and the braces on our FLEX plan that year.

Item 4: I was tutoring another kid the other day at Sylvan.  This time, he was much younger (about 5) and just learning to read.  We were playing a word game to help build his decoding skills and it was not going well...

CB: Okay, say "cheeseburger" without the cheese.

Kid: "Cheeseburger without the cheese."

CB: No, no.  Say "cheeseburger", but leave off the cheese part.

Kid: "Cheeseburger, but leave off the cheese part."

CB: Ha ha!  [Trying to think of a way to rephrase] Okay, what do you get if you take the "cheese" off "cheeseburger"?

Kid: [Thinking hard as well] Um, pickles and onions and lettuce?

Item 5:  Same kid - different day, different word game.

CB: Okay, if you hear the letter B in the middle of these words I am going to say, say yes.  If there is not, say no. Okay?

Kid: Got it.

CB: Okay, first word is "bubble".  Do you hear a B in the middle of "bubble"?

Kid: Yes.

CB: GOOD!  Okay, next word... "honey".  Is there a B in "honey"?

Kid: Yes.

CB: Okay, let me say it again really slowly... Hunn-NE.  Is there a B in Hunn-NE?

Kid: Yes

CB: There is?  Do you hear a B in Hunn-NE?

Kid: Well, I don't hear one, but bees are always in honey.

Final Item: A facebook "friend" of mine had this as his status the other day and I thought it was enlightening:

"So many people have told me how bad they cried during Toy Story 3 that I am a little scared.  You see, I poop when I cry."