Old Lady: Oh my, oh my, oh my. I think I just swallowed a fly.
Daughter: Mom, for the last time, you didn't swallow a fly. Did you take your meds this morning?
Old Lady: This time I am serious. I yawned while I was driving my Harley.
Daughter: Mom, you don't even own a Harley.
Old Lady: I am 96 years old. I will own a Harley if I want to.
Now, I need a spider and quick!
Daughter: Noooo! Mom, don't do iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!
Old Lady: [Gulp]
Daughter: How many times do I have to tell you that the spider will not catch the fly?
Old Lady: But I like the way it wriggles and wiggles and tickles inside me.
Daughter: I am pretty sure that wasn't even a spider mom. That actually could have been my bracelet.
Old Lady: Now, where are my birds?
Daughter: You ate them all, mom.
Old Lady: All of them? I did?
Daughter: Mom, this is the 16th "fly" you have "swallowed" in the last month.
Old Lady: Feathers... is DEAD?!
Daughter: Yes mom. You ate her yesterday. Remember, you had to go to the ER because the talons?
Old Lady: But you said you could hear her tweeting?
Daughter: No, I said I tweeted that my mom is eating all our pets.
Old Lady: I don't know what that means. I'm tired. I am a tired old lady.
Daughter: Why are you putting your shoe on your head?
Old Lady: I am trying to go home. It's broth for you and your siblings tonight. Then you are getting a sound whipping!
Daughter: Mom, I am 68 years old and an only child.
Old Lady: Don't you talk to me like that. I am your mother.
OK, so we're seriously gonna have to read your version of the story to our preschoolers, the rest of the staff would appreciate greatly!
ReplyDeleteHow to mess up your child in five minutes or less!
ReplyDeleteLove it! Kids will flip!
ReplyDeleteMary
So was that the "E! True Hollywood" story behind the storybook? ;)
ReplyDeleteHonestly Mr. Cheeseboy I'm very concerned that the 'Spider Defamation League' will take issue with your representation of their membership as spontaneously turning into bracelets? Fortunately however, the AARP believes you have depicted society's elderly populous absolutely accurately. W.C.C.
ReplyDeleteGreat. Now I have to re-read the story. The old lady who swallowed a fly then swallowed the spider to catch the fly...right? I forget what happens next.
ReplyDeleteIt's about time the truth came out.
ReplyDeleteI am sick of people whitewashing over the past.
That story never made sense before. Thank you for clearing it up.
ReplyDeleteI love this version and am going to save it for next year. Too funny...as long as my students don't think I am the old lady in the story...lol
ReplyDeleteThat song always creeped me out. Now, even moreso. But you did it justice, in the best of ways.
ReplyDeletexoRobyn
I don't like the image of an old lady with talons in her digestive tract.
ReplyDeleteHave you taken a look at your numbers lately? You are about to rule the world, my friend.
My dad used to sing this song to me all the time....(it was funnier when he was drunk).
ReplyDeleteSeriously - brilliant writing. Loved it.
What I want to know, though, is why your blog NEVER SHOWS UP on my dashboard, even though I'm a follower. Crud.
By jove, I believe you've just rewritten history...
ReplyDeleteHaha. I picked weird! Mostly because this was a little left field.
ReplyDeleteLoved it. BTW. Really loved it.
I like your version better :0)
ReplyDeleteWow, she really is old! So is her daughter!
ReplyDeleteGreat rendition! Now we know.
LOL!My kind of story....I'm glad I am not the only one that does things like that! Glad I found your blog....
ReplyDeleteI never was parcial to a teacher reading a story like a stale piece of toast. Nothing like a little cheese to spice it up....
I seriously can't stop laughing...Can't. Stop. Laughing.
ReplyDeleteWHERE? HOW? Do you come up with this stuff? I ask it over and over again...
Good Work CB...good work.
I sound a lot like that old lady when I don't take my meds.
ReplyDeleteHilarious! How do you come up with this stuff?!
ReplyDeleteOMG it's a good job I'm not in any serious meetings today. Laugh, I couldn't stop. In fact I think, the old lady's British counter part lives on the floor below us. She doesn't have a Harley, but she does terrorise the neighbourhood with her shiny new mobility scooter.
ReplyDeleteYou must be doing the Old Lady who Swallowed ____________ Unit this week. I know that there are at least 10 versions on this topic because I have a collabrative teacher who uses them for a unit too.
ReplyDeleteThe Christmas one is the best ;o)
I didn't even know you were related to the old lady who swallowed the fly, but you sound to know quite a lot about this.
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing she was your great great grandmother.
Thank God you wrote that because I need some variations on the boring poetry around these days.....not sure if my 5 yr old will appreciate it though.
ReplyDeleteI have no words..... That was too funny.
ReplyDeleteI always had trouble with that story!!
ReplyDeleteGREAT....another blogging teacher...I love it! That is a "touched" version of the classic old lady/fly story!
ReplyDelete*snickersnort* Very nice rendition there! And your name always makes me think of the Stinky Cheeseman book, which somehow seems a good fit with this iteration of this story...
ReplyDeleteYou must spend all day with first graders.
ReplyDeleteNow? I am going to read this to my class.....!
ReplyDeleteWhere do you find the real stories? I wish our teachers hadn't filled us with lies!
ReplyDeleteThis leaves me to wonder what other things they kept from us.
ReplyDeleteI like the twisted way your mind works, Cheeseboy. Very entertaining.
ReplyDeleteForget the kids-- *I* was entertained by your version! :)
ReplyDeleteThe tweet part particularly cracked me up!
i think i like this version much much bette
ReplyDeleteim so happy you are a teacher right now, i wish i had teachers like you back in the day haha
sara
Dude...my kids are going to love this version!
ReplyDeleteYour takes on all of these children's things are fantastic!!
ReplyDeletedo you ever make up stories to tell your kids?
ReplyDeletei make up the weirdest stuff, on th espot, then cant remember what i made up because i was scrambling to keep them entertained for the duration of the story.
anyway, what i plan on doing now is posting a silly story, so i have it 'on file', then read them the story.
problem solved. thanks ; )
awesome, purely awesome.
ReplyDeleteI loved every word of it.
You should guest post for me one day, we can combine the cheese together and have 'Just the blog o' cheese'
Next thing you know she's going to be asking, "Where's the beef?"
ReplyDelete