Sunday, January 2, 2011

If Baby Jesus Was Born Today...

Note: I meant this as a Christmas post, but got busy with things.  Hopefully, it is not too late for it still to be considered funny.

If Baby Jesus Was Born Today...

Wise Man 1: We Three Kings of Orient are bearing gifts we traverse afar.

Joseph: Why are you talking like that? Is a traverse like a trampoline?

Wise Man 2: We have brought gifts for the King!

Joseph: How did you find us?

Wise Man 3: Field and mountain, moor and mountain, following yonder star.

Joseph: That?  Oh that's a spotlight from the Haunted House going on next door.

Wise Man 1: Oh. Well, it was very telling as to your location.

Wise Man 2: We have brought gifts.  Gifts for the King!

Joseph: Hold on.  Let me go get Marry.

[Mary enters]

Mary: Welcome. Before you give the gifts, I must first examine them.

Wise Man 1: Gold I bring to crown him again.

Mary: Gold? He is three years old, you know.

Wise Man 1: Yes, gold I bring.  Gold I bring to crown him again.

Marry: And where was this gold manufactured?

Wise Man 1: The Orient.

Mary: Is there lead in the gold?  Is it tainted with lead?

Wise Man 1: Uh, uh... I know not.

Mary: You better keep it until you find out. I don't want my kid sucking on some block of gold that's tainted with lead.

Wise Man 2: Frankincense to offer have I. Incense owns a Deity nigh

Marry: Frankincense?  Now, what is that exactly?

Wise Man 2: Frankincense is resin from the Boswellia tree.

Mary: And what is my child supposed to do with this Frankincense?

Wise Man 2: If you light it, it creates a very sweet incense.

Mary: Call us old fashioned, but we try and keep him away from second hand smoke, even of the incense variety. And he isn't about to start playing with matches.

Wise Man 2: What then shall I do with the Frankincense?

Mary: I suggest you burn it yourself.  But I am beginning to question you three and your "wisdom".

Wise Man 3: Myrrh is mine, it's bitter perfume breathes of life of gathering gloom.

Marry: Gathering gloom?  I do not like the sound of that.  And why are you all singing your gifts?

Wise Man 3:  No, no.  Myrrh is resin that has great medicinal value.

Mary: Medicinal value?  Does it have a safety cap?

Wise Man 3: A safety cap? What is the meaning of this safety cap?

Mary: Maybe you guys should go.

Wise Man 3: Wait, did I mention that it can also be used for embalming?

Mary: Yeah, I think you should definitely go.  You can come back when you rethink your gifts to a little bit.

Wise Man 1: Well, how will we know where to find you?

Joseph: Look for the Haunted House spotlight.

Wise Man 2: You mean the star?

Joseph: They call you guys the "wise men"?

56 comments:

  1. ClaireJanuary 2, 2011 at 2:46 PM

    I am resisting the urge to yell FIRST COMMENT! Because I never have..so I won't start now..

    I guess if Jesus was sucking of lead gold things could have wound up a lot differently, eh?

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  2. Oilfield TrashJanuary 2, 2011 at 2:55 PM

    Omg that is freaking hilarious.

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  3. SueLovesCherriesJanuary 2, 2011 at 3:15 PM

    As Spock would say, "Fascinating"! I hope you're rested up and have your battle armour ready to face all those sugar-filled kiddies tomorrow!

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  4. KristenJanuary 2, 2011 at 3:23 PM

    Apparantly a midwife was involved and Joseph and Mary decided to have the baby out back in the barn? -as all children should be born these days....

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  5. 00dozoJanuary 2, 2011 at 3:29 PM

    The kid is already three years old? I guess that the Three Wise Men get when they don't update the GPS on their smart phones, eh?
    ;-)

    Merry (Belated) Christmas and Happy New Year!

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  6. Kristina P.January 2, 2011 at 3:34 PM

    That Marry. Just can't catch a break!

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  7. Joann MannixJanuary 2, 2011 at 3:43 PM

    And how bout the fact that Joseph was okay with the fact that Marry was all, "Hey Joseph? I know we're not married yet, but surprise! I'm going to have a baby! It's a miracle! An immaculate conception miracle!"

    Joseph was a good man for sticking around.

    If I were Marry, I would have taken the bars of gold and melted them down. Gold's at a premium these days, you know.

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  8. AnonymousJanuary 2, 2011 at 4:13 PM

    LOL!! Good story, and believable too.

    Have a great new year.

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  9. ShellJanuary 2, 2011 at 4:21 PM

    LOL

    Lamest comment ever...but it was funny and I'm tired.

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  10. SaimiJanuary 2, 2011 at 4:33 PM

    Ha very funny!!

    So apparently it took three years for the not so wise men to find baby Jesus...Yeah, they failed to mention that in the scriptures.

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  11. Kate GeisenJanuary 2, 2011 at 5:16 PM

    Never fear...it will still be funny in June.

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  12. AlittlespriteJanuary 2, 2011 at 5:32 PM

    In some neighbourhoods, the Three Wise Men would have got a cap in their arse...

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  13. mintifreshJanuary 2, 2011 at 5:40 PM

    Who would want Myrrh for their birthday?? I mean really!?! Had they not seen the 'Sing-a-ma-jig' at Will Mart in their travels?!?!!!

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  14. NicoleJanuary 2, 2011 at 5:43 PM

    I am running out of ways to say hahahahahaaa...

    Soo.. hahahahaaa

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  15. Becky @ Babes in HairlandJanuary 2, 2011 at 5:54 PM

    I have no words!

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  16. LourieJanuary 2, 2011 at 6:07 PM

    That is totally irreverent and completely hilarious! Right up my alley.

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  17. ConnieJanuary 2, 2011 at 6:08 PM

    Come on! Give the wisemen a break! They've traveled afar! Humor them a little!

    That Marry...so concerned about safety caps, lead and second hand smoke. What's with the haunted house next door?

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  18. UnknownJanuary 2, 2011 at 6:39 PM

    Very, very clever! I liked it!

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  19. Living LifeJanuary 2, 2011 at 6:52 PM

    Great take! Those three wise men need to get with the times!

    My Mom and my sister's middle name is "myrrh". It is a family name.

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  20. GigiJanuary 2, 2011 at 6:57 PM

    Mary should have taken the gold and then sold it for cash. That's really popular here now, I imagine it's hot in jerusalem, too.

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  21. AnonymousJanuary 2, 2011 at 7:20 PM

    That song always did make me laugh out loud during church at Christmas time.

    Way to go, Mary, for being so hip to the times!

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  22. Fragrant LiarJanuary 2, 2011 at 8:51 PM

    These days, Jesus would have expected an M-rated Black Ops video game. And a cell phone to reach his homie apostles.

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  23. Corrina TerryJanuary 2, 2011 at 9:32 PM

    Funny!!!! (Things were probably so much simpler back then, huh?) This was a good one!!!!!!!!!!!

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  24. Chris PhillipsJanuary 2, 2011 at 10:03 PM

    Next year post the same idea but make the wisemen the up to date ones, with bluetooths and starbucks.

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  25. Claudya MartinezJanuary 2, 2011 at 10:14 PM

    Too bad they weren't registered anywhere then the wisemen could have just bought something off the registry.

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  26. TisforTonyaJanuary 2, 2011 at 11:01 PM

    oh - SO - funny!

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  27. HollyJanuary 3, 2011 at 3:46 AM

    Too funny... because it's true!! LOL!

    YES! Be excited about Disneyland!! 'D

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  28. UnknownJanuary 3, 2011 at 6:16 AM

    LOL...now that's hilarious!!

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  29. Alex J. CavanaughJanuary 3, 2011 at 7:53 AM

    Not too late to be hilarious, Cheeseboy!

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  30. Hart JohnsonJanuary 3, 2011 at 9:33 AM

    *snicker* Oh, very nice, Abe! I love it... the things that aren't possible anymore because of child safety considerations...

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  31. Impulsive AddictJanuary 3, 2011 at 9:38 AM

    Can I just spend one day inside your brain? I would have so much fun in there. You are such a riot!

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  32. nataleeJanuary 3, 2011 at 10:38 AM

    BWAHAHAHHAHA!! I laughed so hard.. this made me spit my coffee out...LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  33. clark.yospeJanuary 3, 2011 at 11:33 AM

    for a school teacher don't you have spell check or proof read?
    Marry? Mary! This was really reaching

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  34. Serene is my name, not my life!January 3, 2011 at 12:10 PM

    Safety caps are SO overrated.

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  35. MissyJanuary 3, 2011 at 3:14 PM

    OMG!!! I love the Safety Cap...

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  36. AllyJanuary 3, 2011 at 3:17 PM

    Too funny :) Love it!

    Just wanted to stop by and wish you a Happy New Year!

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  37. Shannon GreenJanuary 3, 2011 at 3:37 PM

    They should have just gone with a gift card.

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  38. DeidraJanuary 3, 2011 at 4:51 PM

    Wow, all so true...

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  39. Cluttered BrainJanuary 3, 2011 at 6:32 PM

    LOL! Bwahahaha.
    Oh my. You funny.
    I mean like a funny superstar.
    I vlogged today and showed off my jazz hands. Take a look.

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  40. Sara @ Domestically ChallengedJanuary 3, 2011 at 8:17 PM

    ah yeah. I was thinking the wise men would bring gift cards! Then? He could buy what he wanted!

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  41. EricJanuary 3, 2011 at 9:58 PM

    Well maybe a couple of years ago. I think today they might just post some good wishes and a few pics on a FB wall and try to use Paypal to donate to Jesus.

    No, surely it happened as your post describes it. :)

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  42. jJanuary 3, 2011 at 10:18 PM

    Funny stuff! Your post made me think of THIS post... http://mrsmouthy.wordpress.com/2010/12/21/the-nativity-in-the-eyes-of-a-child/

    You might get a kick out of Mrs. Mouthy's blog.

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  43. TeachinfourthJanuary 3, 2011 at 10:30 PM

    When you do stop to think about it, their gifts were pretty strange...

    A box of pampers and formula would have probably made better gifts.

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  44. Powdered Toast ManJanuary 4, 2011 at 3:37 AM

    hahahahahahaha

    Good stuff. That post would have been funny in June.

    I posted some trivia today if you wanted to play.

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  45. Benjamin HoltJanuary 4, 2011 at 7:34 AM

    How could Jesus be three years old if he was just born today? Just wondering.

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  46. See Mom SmileJanuary 4, 2011 at 10:22 AM

    The wise men need to come back with a Nintendo DS, and a ClearPlay DVD player. Those are my votes.

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  47. AnonymousJanuary 4, 2011 at 11:27 AM

    LOL!! OMG laughing so hard!!!!!!

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  48. OkieJanuary 4, 2011 at 4:03 PM

    lol....perfect. hilarious.

    Well played Cheeseboy...well played. :)

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  49. imbeingheldhostageJanuary 4, 2011 at 4:59 PM

    My kids asked for gold, frankincense and myrhh and all they got were some lousy toys and video games. Maybe it was the lack of a really good spotlight?

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  50. Impulsive AddictJanuary 4, 2011 at 7:32 PM

    I've already commented once but I wanted to let you know that you're almost to 500 followers and I can't WAIT to see you in a Barney suit and I copied your button to my page.

    That's all.

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  51. MarnieJanuary 4, 2011 at 7:56 PM

    Hilarious, I don't know how I missed this one.

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  52. UnknownJanuary 4, 2011 at 10:27 PM

    No, no...this is still funny. Ha! I'm loving the Yoda way these men speak. You so funny, Cheeseboy. You should really get a Twitter account.

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  53. Pat TillettJanuary 4, 2011 at 10:51 PM

    Now that is darn funny! I end the day smiling... thanks!

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  54. MarlaJanuary 6, 2011 at 8:33 PM

    That brain of yours is always spinning isn't it? Pretty funny stuff Cheeseboy.

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  55. tiburonJanuary 7, 2011 at 9:06 PM

    HAHAHAHA!! Totally never too late to be funny!

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  56. Bits-n-PiecesJanuary 10, 2011 at 10:45 AM

    contrary to popular belief..there was a 4th wiseman, but he got turned away for bringing fruitcake.

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