Friday, April 30, 2010

How the recent discovery of Noah's Ark really went down.

Recently a group of Chinese "Ark-eologists" found what they believe to be the actual Noah's Ark in Turkey. Most scientists are very skeptical and some even laugh at such a claim. Nevertheless, these Chinese folks are very confident (99% so) and have released several press releases about their discovery.

- Hey Bob, you might want to come over here and take a look at this.

- Interesting Kevin, what have you found there?

Hm, it looks like some old boards and a crate or something. HEY TOM - GET OVER HERE! YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO TAKE A LOOK AT THIS!

- Hey guys, I was just digging over there by that rock. What are you looking at?

- Okay Tom, get this - we found... some boards... and a crate. A CRATE!

- Here let me take a look at those.

Yep. Just as I thought... it's the Ark.

THE ARK? THE ARK HAS BEEN FOUND!

- TOM! That's the best news ever! We've been climbing around this blasted mountain for days. All we've found is a bunch of silly string canisters and a rusted Bedazzler.

- Three cheers for Tom!
Hip Hip - HURRAY
Hip Hip - HURRAY

- What about Kevin? He's the one that found the stuff?

- Three cheers for Kevin???

- Dude, Kevin is a turd-wad. He totally forgot the mayo on my sandwich today. I bet he just tossed that crap over there while we weren't looking and said it belonged to Noah.

- Fine, don't cheer for me. Can we just go home now? I have a really bad sunburn and this dust is really bad for my asthma. Tom's got to check it anyway.

- He's right guys, before we go home, I have to send this stuff to the lab for checking. Take it to the back of my Astro Van, I'll be there in a sec. Now where is that magnifying glass and those tweezers? Will someone bring me my satchel?

Now everyone - hold your breath while I go do some checking.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - -- - - -

- OKAY EVERYONE. I HAVE INCREDIBLE NEWS! IT'S OFFICIAL - WE FOUND THE ARK!

- Dang it! Kevin WAS RIGHT?!

- I told you guys.

- Hold on Tom. How sure are you?

- Like 60% sure.

- 60%? That's it?

- Okay, like 60 - 90% sure.

- Oh. Better I guess.

- No, 99% sure. I'm 99% sure.

HURRAY FOR TOM! TOM'S THE MAN! THREE MORE CHEERS FOR TOM!

- So Tom, how do you know for sure?

- The second board I looked at had a N.A. pecked into it. Probably the work of a woodpecker.

- More like TWO woodpeckers.

-Right.

- Call the press. We found the ark!

- Who's got John Stossel's cell?

Thursday, April 29, 2010

I should totally be in the Genius Book of World Records.

One of my first graders checked out what they called the "2009 Genius Book of World Records" from the library today. (Every time they ask the librarian for the "Genius Book" it cracks me up.)

There was something in it that she just HAD to show me:

LUCY: Mr. Cheeseboy! Look at this! (Holds up the book.) The WORLD'S BIGGEST CHOPSTICKS!

ME: That's great Lucy. Wow. Cool.

LUCY: I know! (She runs away to show her friends.)

Now, I know I humored this kid and acted like these "chopsticks" were an amazing feat. However, I was thinking:

SOME DUDE GLUES A FEW TWO BY FOURS TOGETHER, CALLS THEM CHOPSTICKS AND GETS INTO THE WORLD RECORD BOOK?! WHAT THE #@%&!

Thus, I decided that I too belong in the Genius Book of Records. I spent all afternoon taking pictures of stuff around the house and I am officially submitting these items to the record book:

1. I am submitting this as the "WORLD'S SMALLEST DUMPSTER". (I will not be doing any posts from inside.)


2. I am submitting this as the "WORLD'S BIGGEST DOG HOUSE". (Really just my garage, but don't tell them that.)


3. I am submitting this as the "WORLD'S LARGEST TOOTHPICK". (Surely, I will win. No one can top the size of this toothpick in my front yard.)



4. I am submitting this as "WORLD'S HOTTEST WIFE". - NO WAY I LOSE THIS ONE EITHER!!!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

This week's school lunch menu if it were to be described by "The Food Network".


MONDAY

Entree Selection 1

Today's first selection is a nicely rounded Russet potato that has been boiled, not baked. It's rustled brown coat has been sliced open to reveal it's delightful, white inner body.

Topping options are plentiful: soft squares of ham-like brawn, a dab of pure sour cream and aged, hardened cheddar bits.

Entree Selection 2

The second selection is a nice white bread, staled to perfection and topped with a ham/turkey medley meat. On the side is a nice array of assorted Fruit Loops and marshmallows in a plastic cup.

TUESDAY

Entree Selection 1

Our first option today is an imported slice of pizza, sprinkled with a touch of peperoni. Each slice was hand tossed and glazed at Five Buck Pizza.

Entree Selection 2

For the health conscious eater, we offer a second choice of "ham" and cheese on a lightly salted Tollhouse cracker. Those selecting this low calorie treat will also have access to our canned fruit bar in which they may indulge in spoonfuls of peaches in a heavy treacle of corn syrup.

Wednesday

Entree Selection 1

Today's first choice is a lovely pancaked sausage, complete with a small crate of syrup for gentle dipping. The sausage has been lovingly slaughtered and sliced from the best part of the cow hoof. The pancake batter has been slowly hand stirred until it has reached a full, rich cream. Low in sodium and cholesterol, this is one meal your child will not want to miss.

Entree Selection 2

A specialty of the house, the Navajo Taco, has been a mainstay in the school lunch repertoire. Simply take a delightful scone - fried in only the smoothest of oils - and pile a heaping load of gravied beans on top. It's the dish that Women's Day Magazine calls "Horrendous on every level", but we simply like to call it "delicious".

Thursday

Entree Selection 1

Our first entree today are finely crafted corn chips crowned with a melted, zangy cheese sauce. With each bite, your child will be launched into a plastic cheese induced diabetic coma of joy. As promised, this entree has an available side of fresh off-the-farm chocolate pudding.

Entree Selection 2

We are pleased to announce that Thursday is "Treasure Trout" day. Our treasure trout is made from 100% New Zealand cod, imported straight to your child's platter. Treasure Trout are smothered in a sodden breaded coating with flavor crystals that bursts into your mouth like a defecating tropical squid.

This week only, in honor of Earth Day, we have lowered the amount of dolphin in our cod from 3% to .5%. You're welcome, Mother Nature and baby dolphins.

FRIDAY

Entree Selection 1

Our finest chicken breast is chosen for famous Friday nugget day. Your child will sink their teeth into a breaded outer coating synonymous to the chicken nuggets you'd find at any five star restaurant. Our chickens are hand picked from the finest piles of discarded chicken and ground into a gossamery paste. We then delicately stuff the paste into the breaded coating and generously heat in state-of-the-art microwave ovens. Every morsel is a euphoric experience.

Entree Selection 2

Our second selection for this fabulous Friday is an elegant cut of our famous Country Fried Pork Ribblets. We use only the most refined sauces from our collection of sublime sauces. Each ribblet is hand rubbed with care and sprinkled with a charming array of herbs and spices.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

How I convinced my 8 year old son that going to Build-A-Bear Workshop is a bad idea.

Hey there son - come on over here and pull up a seat, or a bean bag chair, or the carpet. It's time you and I had THE chat.

No, not where babies come from.We'll go over that when your 30.

Now look son, I know you are mesmerised by the bright allure and enormous wooden bears in the windows of the Build-A-Bear Workshop. We ALL are, son. It's spellbinding, but there are things you need to know about that place; secret things that they don't want you to know.

I know, the entry looks so welcoming, and you are greeted by those two teenage goth girls with rings through their noses. They are pretending to be well-intentioned Disney cast members holding sewing needles. Those girls are not as nice as they look. I think they might really be vampires. They don't want to tell you that because who is going to buy stuffed animals from vampires?

I know, you're right... other vampires.

Here's another thing son: Build-A-Bear sucks you in and trains you to work for "THE MAN". Who's "the man", you ask? It's your future boss if you start buying bears at the workshop.


You see, Build-A-Bear is simply an energized, youthful assembly line. Really, it's a training course in how to build simple goods. They're trying to trick you into seeing the benefits of such simple minded work. Filling a stuffed bear today, filling Twinkies with cream tomorrow. Pushing a button today for button eyes today, pushing a button for button fly jeans tomorrow. It's all an evil game to these folks.

Have I confused you son? Well let me give you some other examples.


Do you know where stuffed animals USUALLY come from? No? Singapore. And do you know WHO is usually putting these stuffed animals together? No?


Singaporean orphan children.

They make a penny per bear, and a penny goes a long way in Singapore; that is how they buy their soup to survive. For every bear you make at Build-A-Bear, a starving orphan in Singapore goes hungry. Do you want to feel responsible for hungry orphans?

Listen son, if you can get over the training for monotonous shift work and the hungry orphans in Singapore, there is also the problem of the price of the bears. Let's see... the initial bear costs about $32.00. The clothing is at least $40.00. That's $72.00 for an 8 inch bear and an outfit made of plastic.

Do you realize you can get 72 stuffed animals at the Dollar Tree for $72.00? Why that's only 50 cents a bear!


How about this? How about I go get one of your old teddy bears and rip it apart? I'll get the needle and thread and you can go at it. It will be like Re-Build-A-Bear.

I don't mean to fill you with gloom and doom, son. I suppose there is some hope. You know the Andersons, up the street? They are loaded. They might even have a Wii! You should become friends with little Sarah Anderson. I bet she goes to Build-A-Bear for her HALF birthday parties! She probably takes friends to Build-A-Bear as a birthday party WARM UP!

So son, do you see why we can never set foot in a Build-A-Bear SWEATSHOP? I know it's tough, but I hope you understand.


What do you mean you wanted something called a "Webkinz"? How much do they cost?

Really? Why you can have two of them.


You're welcome.

Monday, April 26, 2010

How my moronic ways helped me not score with the ladies.

When I was a kid, I was a total moron. Now, when I say moron, I mean exactly this: I would do anything and everything for a laugh - just like any self respecting moron would do.

If it meant licking bugs off the windshield in Moab Utah, the bugs were licked.

If it meant shaving both my eyebrows in the back seat of a suburban, brows were shaved to bloody stubs.

If it meant streaking... uh, never mind, my mom reads this blog.

"Moron", "twit", "jackass" - I fit every description. At 34, I am not sure if I have outgrown this phase of my life. I'd like to think so, but if you have seen me dance, you'd probably disagree with me.

At the age of 17, I came to the harsh realization that my involvement as the town nitwit was completely at odds with the raging hormones bouncing off every fiber of my being. It appeared, at least on the surface, that girls did not appreciate a good bug lick. (That came off much dirtier than it really is.)

My first attempt to kiss a girl went exactly like this:

Scene: Second date with a average to below average looking girl. (Most would say BELOW average.) We are standing nervously next to her 1984 blue Volkswagon bug. After some small talk about something really lame - most likely how my acne has recently cleared up - I lean in for the kiss.

And... ACTION!

- EXCUSE ME. What are you doing?!
- Uh, nothing. Sorry. Sorry.
- Abe, I really don't think I like you like that.
- Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything... I mean, you were totally laughing the entire night.
- Yeah, I know. You are a funny guy, but you kinda talk about stupid stuff and do strange things.
- Really? Well, I am just...
- Well, it's like you are trying TOO hard.
- Oh. Ouch. Well, I thought I was totally lowering my standards by going out with you. I am doing YOU a favor here. If you won't kiss me, then WHO THE HECK WILL?!

Okay, that last line I may have not said, but it is exactly what I WANTED to say. I should have said it. I was so pathetic.

So, I was at a crossroads; a fork in the road, or another place where you have to make a decision to go one way or another.

In order to respect and honor the ladies, I decided to scale back the moronic act a little.

Yeah, that's the ticket - I did it out of respect and honor for the ladies. The hormones were an afterthought. What I mean by that is that I thought about my hormones after I thought about the ladies and I thought about them almost nonstop.

Alas, my efforts did not prove fruitless as a mere year later, I was able to sweep my ultra hot wife off her feet. Once I was able to accomplish that titanic task, I could go back to my moronic ways for laughs - like sitting midday in a dumpster full of rotten chocolate milk. (See three posts below.)

Saturday, April 24, 2010

How they choose the women for "The Bachelor".

Please honestly complete the following questionnaire and return to the creepy bearded man at the desk.

1. Are you single?

- Yes (Continue to question 2.)
- No (Stop now and return this to the creepy, bony bearded man at the front desk.)

2. How many times have you been married?

- 0 (Continue to question 3.)
- 1-2 (Continue to question 3.)
- 3-4 (Lie and circle one of the above answers and then continue to question 3.)

3. How many STD's do you currently have?

- 0 (Stop now and return this to the flesh colored bearded man at the front desk with the butterfly tattoo on his middle back.)
- 1 (Continue to question 4 if it is not contagious.)
- 1, but it is contagious (Continue to question 4.)
-2 + (Continue to question 4.)

4. On a scale of 1- 10, how desperate are you exactly?

- 0-5 (Stop now and return this to the flesh colored bearded man at the front desk with the butterfly tattoo and the Wendy style ponytails in his hair.)
- 6-8 (Continue to question 5.)
- 8 - 10 (Stop here. You're hired.)

5. How many distinguishable physical flaws do you have?

- 0 (Honestly, you are too good for this show; but feel free to come back in December when we are casting for the lead in "The Bachelorette")
- 1 (Continue to question 6.)
- 2 (Unless you are planning on plastic surgery before the show starts, stop here and take this to the creepy bearded man at the front desk with a fake parrot on his shoulder.)

6. How prone are you to crying?

- Not at all. (Stop here and return this to the creepy bearded man at the front desk with the dripping, open sores on his neck.)
- Somewhat (Continue to question 7 if you can turn "somewhat" into "always".
-Always (Continue on to question 7.)

7. Are you open to arguing with other girls, sometimes including playful pillow fights?

- Yes (Continue to question 8.)
- No (Stop here and take this directly to the creepy bearded guy at the front desk with the overactive bladder that is wearing an adult diaper.)

8. If the Bachelor selects you, do you expect to get married?

- Yes (Continue to question 9.)
- No (Continue to question 9.)

9. Are you opposed to making out (or beyond) in a hot tub that other women have also made out (or beyond) in?

- Yes (Continue to the final question.)
-No (Stop here and take this directly to the creepy, bearded man at the front desk that has used mascara to make whiskers on his chin.)

10. Could you read this questionnaire?

- Yes (Take this directly to the creepy, bearded man at the front desk wearing the grass skirt and coconut bra.)
- No (Congratulations, you're hired! The bearded man is actually Ryan Callahan, Producer of The Bachelor. He has a few more "questions" to ask you. You'll need to put on this bikini and meet him in the hot tub out back.)

And no, it is not a time traveling hot tub.

** Note to readers: No I do NOT watch The Bachelor. I have only seen the commercials, but the commercials alone provided enough information for this post. And for reading this far - all of you get a rose!

Friday, April 23, 2010

Now, this is a birthday pickle to be sure.

It's my birthday today and I haven't a thing to wear.

I mean, really I could just wear the jeans and tee shirt I have on right now, but come on - this is a special day and I really should throw something on a little more formal.

Is it too late in the season to wear a mink coat? It is rather stormy outside and I haven't worn my mink since the spray painting incident of '07.

Fortunately, it was Crayola washable spray paint. Those punk kids were too stupid to look at the label.

Maybe I'll wear my cowboy boots and a fedora hat. Unfortunately, my fedora is still dimpled from that fight I got in at that Clay Aiken concert.

Now, I didn't have a choice; that dude was changing the lyrics. "If I were not invisa-crappy"?! That doesn't even rhyme. Plus, if you don't like him, why did you come to his concert?

"AIKEN, YOU SUCK!" was the last straw.

Stupid bozo dimpled my fedora. It's okay - I totally wrinkled his vintage Harley Davidson tee shirt.

I could wear my Goatlord Death Metal leather jacket, but I get so sweaty and my it always smears my temporary tattoos.

Perhaps I will show off my chest hair a bit and wear my shirt unbuttoned. Just the top two, I don't want to throw the women into a tizzy. It might get a little frightening, I measured one of my chest hairs at 8 inches yesterday.

Hasselhoff wishes he had an 8 inch long chest hair.

I am in such a quandary as all of my ideas seem to be good ones. It is my birthday, and I would like to look nice.

Perhaps you could help? What should I wear to How To Train A Dragon tonight? I'd really like to make a splash at the theater for my birthday.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Cheeseboy in a Dumpster



Please do not drop me as a follower just because this video has been posted.

Something is in the works for 200 followers.

I'd like to thank Paige Page Page for filming this for me.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Why my son loves wearing moonboots in late April.

Check out my freshly minted 4-year-old son today in his moon boots:


Moonboots? In late April? Unfortunately, it is the only footwear he will sport.

Now, you may also notice his enchanted Christmas colored clothing, including his wedgie shorts. You see, he has been very insistent lately that he dress himself and has apparently been getting fashion advice from a combination Napoleon Dynamite and this guy:

Now, it's not just he moonboots he is wearing in late April that has me worried. No, this has been disturbing me for so many other reasons:

1. He insists on wearing these moonboots out in public - to stores even - and marching around like some sort of mega footed male clogger.

2. He does not wear socks with the boots, instead choosing to grow a vile bacteria equal to in potency of that dripping from Richard Simmon's chest hair.

3. The reason he wears these boots is that he calls them his "Gaston Boots".

4. The reason that he calls them his "Gaston Boots" is that his favorite movie is Beauty and the Beast.

Ugh.

5. The reason that he calls them his "Gaston Boots" is that he worships the evil Gaston and thinks he a brave warrior and the coolest man ever.

Is that as bad as it sounds? No? Well...

6. His favorite thing to do is march around in his "Gaston Boots" and yell, "KILL THE BEAST!" while stabbing his plastic sword in the air.

7. He gets angry when the beast kills Gaston at the end of the movie.

And THAT, my friends, is why he is wearing Moon boots in late April.

I am so worried about that kid.

**The dumpster dive will be posted on Friday. Time to gather the fam around the computer and enjoy Cheeseboy frolicking in garbage.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Paige Davis for The Blog O' Cheese - Take 1

video

Paige and I finally got together to make our first commercial. This is my first foray into advertising. I wrote the script and trained Paige in the ways of the acting and speaking professionally. However, I did not work out other minor details like editing out the sounds of recess, making sure all of the dialog is captured and holding the camera in the right direction.

Anyway, Paige's first of many commercials for The Blog O' Cheese. Just tip your laptop sideways and enjoy!

Monday, April 19, 2010

How those annoying school fundraisers your kids are always bringing home got started.


- At the wrapping paper plant -

- Sir, we just received the quarterly report and our sales are way down.

- And why would that be, moron?

- It's the gift card industry man. It's booming!

- Hm. Yes, you're right. No one wraps gift cards, and even if they did, it takes very little paper. Not only that, but everyone is buying online.

- And Earth Day is coming up. No one uses paper around Earth Day. We're so screwed, Sir.

- HOLD ON! I just had a thought. Who is ALWAYS needing money?

- My X-Wife?

- No, think BIGGER.

- Not sure if there is anything bigger than my X-Wife, Sir.

- No, I am talking about millions big. Maybe even billions. I'm talking about the P... T... A... !

- We can't gift wrap the PTA, Sir. It's just not feasible. Not with all the cookies they eat at those meetings and their giant minivans.

- No no, moron. Here's what we do: We have kids - like elementary school kids - go door to door and sell our wrapping paper for us. We mark it up, like double what it's worth, and the school earns a small profit.

People simply can't turn down a mopey kid with a desperate face and a goofy haircut on their doorstep.

- It's brilliant Sir. But I have only one question: How are we going to get these kids to sell our cruddy, overpriced wrapping paper for us?

- Simple. Two ways: 1. We guilt the parents into thinking that every child at the school will be left behind and no one will go on a field trip ever again. 2. We bribe the children with cheap toys.

- What kind of cheap toys?

- Well, it could be based on how much they sell. Say they sold one roll - we'd give them like a smelly pencil or something. If they sold more than five rolls of paper, we'd give them the smelly pencil AND a coupon for a free Frosty at Wendy's.

- Amazing Sir. Simply genius. What if they sold like 50 items?

- Ah yes, the overachieving, overly-competitive type... and their kids. They are our best salesmen! We'll give them the smelly pencil, the free Frosty AND a they get a pizza party.

- Sir, a pizza party?

- Yeah, Little Caesars has it hot and ready. But one slice only per kid. ONE SLICE ONLY!

- Smart. But what about the kid that sells the most rolls?

- We'll give them a ride in my limo. My driver will love it. We'll throw down the plastic on the interior and let them have at it.

- So much wisdom you possess. I only have one other concern Sir: Going door to door is dangerous for little kids. What if the schools don't fall for it.

- Interesting quandary, but I've already thought it through...

We have their MOMS take the crap to WORK and endlessly annoy their coworkers to buy it for the sake of future of their children.

There could even be a list when they sell it to their coworkers. "Look at Bivins. He bought like 6 boxes." There will be so much guilt, everyone will buy!

- I'll have these lists run immediately.

----------------- 10 years later ---------------------------------------------------

- Sir, the wrapping paper is not selling again, even with our guilt tactics and cheap bribes.

- Hm. Interesting. Have you ever thought about the cookie dough industry?

Sunday, April 18, 2010

The monster room in my church. (It's next to the nursury.)


There is a holding room where they keep all the monsters in my church building.

The room holds 17 monsters. All 17 monsters in the room are very, very mean. They all have long, scraggly teeth.

One of the monsters has teeth like a shark and can bite a person in half. One of the monsters can swallow a small boy whole - just like that.

One really hairy monster likes to give four year old's haircuts; long, drawn out haircuts, using nothing but it's teeth and some old, rusted clippers.

There are three green, wet monsters that take all of your church treats away and replace them with gummy slime that tastes like mashed pickles.

Some monsters in the monster room will never stop scaring you. They follow you around forever.

There is no way out of the monster room.

There is only one key to the monster room and the Bishop gives it to a parent with a child that is not being reverent. HE HAS GIVEN ME THAT KEY! ARE YOU READY TO GO?

- This is exactly what I whispered to my four year old during church services today after I pulled him from under the pews for the 8th time as he was singing about Spiderman in his loudest voice. It worked... for a little while.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

In honor of my 100th follower, I give you the following important Blog O' Cheese facts:

Given my recent splurge of new readership and my 100th follower, I thought you might all be interested in a few haphazardly surprising Blog O' Cheese facts.

- The blog was established in 2008 and had a total readership of 1 - myself.

- The blog was originally created to help starving children in Mediterranean/Baltic area, but has morphed into a blog that provides assistance to starving adults that are between meals everywhere. This blog gives us all hope that dinner is just an hour or two away. I feel that this is a greater cause.

- The Blog O' Cheese has been called "inspiring", "uplifting" and "one of the year's best", which is also, not coincidentally, what this copy of The Blind Side that I am holding says on the cover. This blog could also be described as "Sandra Bullock shines!"

- The blog has a strong "mommy blog" following, but that is only because mommies generally do love Sandra Bullock.

- The official spokeswoman of the Blog O' Cheese is Paige Davis of Trading Spaces fame. She has a series of Blog O' Cheese ads that will be airing across the nation soon, but you will see them here first.

- The official mascot of the Blog O' Cheese is also Paige Davis. However, the mascot is not Paige herself, just someone dressed up in an cartoon Paige Davis costume.

- There may be a Paige Davis, Blog O' Cheese balloon in the next Pioneer Days parade.

- The staff at the Blog O' Cheese consists of myself, my secretary and Paige Davis, who is also my secretary. Also, Paige is in charge of sewing and creating a parade balloon of herself.

- The Blog O' Cheese has officially won one award, the "First to 100 award" given to me by the lovely Beth at: Beth: A Work in Progress. Thank you Beth, you are a saint, or a saintess, or whatever we call female saints nowadays. But really, it's not about the awards for me. It's all about helping some hungry sap make it through their last couple hours of work before dinner time.

- The official song of the Blog O' Cheese is "My Funny Valentine", but NOT the self-indulging, ghastly Sinatra version. No, the official song of the Blog O' Cheese is the illustrious Michael Bolton version of "My Funny Valentine".

- The Blog O' Cheese is politically neutral. However, if we as a staff were to choose a political party, it would probably be the Rastafarian movement because both Paige and I loved Cool Runnings.

- As promised, there will be a video blog from the dumpster at my school. I plan on taping it on Wednesday or Thursday, depending on when Paige can get the balloon finished.

Friday, April 16, 2010

A Smorgasbord in a Cornucopia of Lunacy.

I have a bunch random of stuff I have wanted to blog about, but none of them really seem "post worthy", so I am therefore combining all non post worthy items into one large post.

4 non worthy post items may not equal one post worthy item, but let us pretend it does.

1. I mentioned that I wanted to grow out my hair to match Vampire Weekend's Ezra Koenig:

Unfortunately, I think that I am actually achieving more of a Rod Blagojevich look:














2.
I have this hairy cousin Tim that may actually have more hair on his arms than I do, but I doubt it. Anyhow, Tim and I are good friends as well as cousins. He happens to be a Fish Biologist in Las Vegas. (Contrary to popular belief, this does NOT mean he cleans the tanks at the Venetian and the Bellagio.)

As a Fish Biologist, Tim does a lot of aimless wandering of the desert and waterways. He is also a fantastic photographer. (I mean, he's good, but only because he read this post I did on how to take great pictures.) The other day, he took this very strange photo:


Finally, something disturbing enough to get the image of Enhanced Bedazzlement out of my head!

3. Forget the blossoms popping on apricot trees. The true sign that spring has arrived is the great Neil Diamond Sweet Carolining at the opening game. (For the record, Neil Diamond is the greatest singer/songwriter of ours or any generation. Also, there are two types of people in this world, those that like Neil Diamond and those who don't. I happen to love him.)



4. A little while ago, I had a poll that asked "What is the funniest show on television right now?"

The choices were:
The Office
Modern Family
30 Rock
Parks & Rec
How I Met Your Mother
The Big Bang Theory

However, quite a few people selected "other". I'd like to know - what hilarious show are you watching that I do not know about? I am always looking for new, great comedy.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

What the lewd, bedazzled lady say to the unsullied, goofy First Grade teacher. Life will never be the same.

I had a meeting the other night. A teacher meeting. This stuff happens when you are a teacher.

I got there early and sat at a table, alone. Five minutes later a woman, in her late 40's sits next to me.

She might have been in her early 50’s.

No, she might have been in her late 40’s. She looked like she possibly could have done a lot of meth in her past.

She is wearing a low cut blouse and bedazzled jeans. Her purse was also bedazzled beyond belief. The bedazzlement was abundant. There was more bedazzlement on her jeans than Shannon Daugherty has sappy moments on the Lifetime movie network.

This woman could actually have a meth/bedazzler lab in her basement.

A lot of people don’t know this, but bedazzling is just a gateway to meth. And both are a gateway to getting your own feature on peopleofwalmart.com.

Soon, this woman is talking to me. Shortly after, she is joined by her large, loud, mustached friend.

The mustached friend is also woman. (At least I think she was.)

We begin to have a conversation about why Miss 50-year-old bedazzled missed the first week of class.

RECENTLY ENHANCED BEDAZZLEMENT: Oh, I was getting ELECTIVE surgery.

MUSTACHED SALLY: Yeah? What did you have done?

RECENTLY ENHANCED BEDAZZLEMENT: (She puts her hands out in front of her chest.) "ELECTIVE SURGERY!”

My interest has peaked. This conversation now has my full attention.

The entire cast of Jersey Shore could have been greasing up in that classroom and I wouldn’t have noticed. For all I know, Snookie got punched in the face.

MUSTACHED SALLY: Oh wow.

RECENTLY ENHANCED BEDAZZLEMENT: Yeah, had some liposuction done while they were at it.

(Recently enhanced bedazzlement then looks intently at me.)

RECENTLY ENHANCED BEDAZZLEMENT:Do you guys want to see them? I can show you during the break.

She is smiling. Why is she smiling?!

MY MOUTH: Uh, uh, uh... no I'm good.

MY BRAIN: NO! NO NO NO. SO GROSS, SO GROSS, SOOOOO GROSS!

- Mustached Salley then went to the bathroom with Recently Enhanced Bedazzlement.

I decided to not go to the bathroom with Recently Enhanced Bedazzlement.

I still have my innocence.

20 minutes into class, Bedazzled 50-year-old’s cell phone blazes Ludacris's "My Chick Bad" and everyone turns and looks at our table.

A Dolly Parton song would have been more fitting.

**This is a family blog, please keep comments appropriate… unless you use a lot of euphemisms so that I am the only one that knows what the heck you are talking about.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

The top seven effective ways to make a wish according to my First Grade students.

Sometimes first graders can get you so sidetracked.

The other day I was assigning a writing assignment in which they had to write three things they would wish for when blowing the white seeds off of a dandelion. This turned into a conversation of the various methods of wishing and their effectiveness.

After 45 minutes and much brainstorming, this is what the class determined - a countdown of the best wishing methods from worst to best.

7. The Magic Lamp -

Pros:
  • You get to meet a wacky, singing genie that you ain't ever had a friend like.
  • You get 3 wishes, not just one.
Cons:
  • There is probably no such thing as a magic lamp.
  • There is a lot of danger involved in finding one.
6. The Wishbone -

Pros:
  • You get to pull bones apart.
  • It's a nice Thanksgiving surprise.
Cons:
  • Some of the girls think it's gross.
  • It could be that wishbones are nothing more than bones and because they do not have brains, they do not understand that you are even making a wish on them.
5. Dandelions -

Pros:
  • It's easy. Just pick up a dandelion and blow off the white seeds.
  • You weed your lawn while you make wishes. (Although I had to explain the fact that they are actually spreading seeds and likely making the weed problem worse.)
Cons:
  • There are so many dandelions, it might actually kind of "cheapen" your wish, making it less likely that it will come true.
  • It could be that dandelions are nothing more than dandelions and because they do not have brains, they do not understand that you are even making a wish on them.
4. The Wishing Time - 11:11

This was a new one for me, as I had never heard of a wishing time. However, I was informed by 17 students that it actually does exist and that it often EVEN WORKS!

Pros:
  • It comes around once a day.
  • It comes around twice a day if you are allowed to stay up REALLY late.
Cons:
  • You have to try really hard to remember when it happens.
  • You have to have a watch or be by a clock. Sometimes you are outside.
3. The Wishing Well -

Pros:
  • Wishing wells are almost ALWAYS magical.
  • Wishing wells are awesome.
Cons:
  • You could fall down a wishing well and DIE!! (I did not mention Baby Jessica to the students. They were already freaked out enough by the prospect of falling down a well. Strangely enough, Desmond gets pushed into a well in LOST last night. That show is blowing my mind.)
  • It could be that wishing wells are nothing more than wells and because they do not have brains, they do not understand that you are even making a wish on them.
2. Wishing Stars -

Pros:
  • Stars are awesome!
  • It makes no difference who you are.
Cons:
  • You can only make night wishes.
  • It could be that stars are nothing more than giant flaming balls of gas and because they do not have brains, they do not understand that you are even making a wish on them.
1. The Birthday Candle Wish -

Pros:
  • This is the only time your parents kind of let you play with fire.
  • Birthdays ARE very special.
Cons:
  • If you don't blow them all out on your first try, you are so out of luck.
  • It could be that candles are nothing more than burning chunks of wax and because they do not have brains, they do not understand that you are even making a wish on them
** There also was some discussion about finding a four leaf clover and wishes. It was determined that four leaf clovers do not grant wishes, but are just used for good luck. This sparked this discussion on luck:

ABBY: Last week my older brother said he had really bad luck.

ME: Oh yeah?

ABBY: Yeah, first he got in a car crash. And then his girlfriend got REALLY mad at him. She even called him an F word.

OTHER KID: What's the F word?

ME: I'm not sure, but it sounds REALLY bad.

ABBY: Yeah, and then he bought a fish tank and 3 of his fish died in the bag before he even got home.

ME: Wow. That is really bad luck.

ABBY: I know!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I'm going bowling. (NOT Wii)

I'm going bowling tonight.

Yep, bowling. Reminds me of this great Gaffigan stand up bit:



Gaffigan is the greatest man alive.

Monday, April 12, 2010

The annual lice letter from school.

Lice. Want some?

Every year it seems as though we send home a note about a kid in the class that has acquired the dreaded disease "lice". When you teach first grade, this note is as inevitable as an upchuck on the rug or watching two kids pick their nose and eating it at the same time.

I have not witnessed them eat each others' buggers... yet.

If you are actually still reading at this point, I have to admit, I am actually a little surprised.

ANYWAY, we have been fortunate to not have required such a lice infested letter during this school year. However, it's only a matter of time.

Generally, the annual lice letter goes something like this:

Dear Parents,

This letter is to inform you that you a student in your child's class has lice. Please check your child's head frequently and be alert blah blah blah etc...

HOWEVER, it does not matter what is actually said in the lice letter, EVERY parent reads it like this:

Dear Parent,
Panic. Panic loudly and any language is appropriate.
Flail your arms around a little. Yeah, that's the way. Good. Your child has lice.

Now, I am not sure if you heard me the first time, YOUR CHILD HAS LICE!
(Well, not for sure, but PROBABLY)

Lice is deadly and the only cure is a tongue depressor. Unfortunately, we have used all the tongue depressors in town to check for lice. Soon you too will have lice and your entire house will be a lice infested carnival without the cotton candy or spinning rides.


Are you itchy yet? Completely revolted? Hold on, we're not done. Here are some things you will need to do to halt the infestation of the nasty vermin to your scalp, head bone and throughout your house:
  • Wash everyone's hair in the entire household in gasoline.
  • Burn your sheets.
  • Burn your furniture.
  • Burn your clothing.
  • Shave off everyone's body hair.
  • Put the pile of body hair in a plastic bag and burn it.
  • Take the ashes and burn them again.
  • Pour battery acid on the re-burnt ashes.
They also make a special shampoo that kills lice that you can buy at your local Walgreens. Unfortunately Walgreens has closed due to parents with lice looking for lice shampoo. All of their employees now have lice. Fortunately, Ride Aid still has some in stock.

Thank you for your understanding regarding this matter. You may now proceed to panic.
No really, your arms aren't flailing enough. GET THOSE ELBOWS UP! Nice. Much better.

Yours truly,


The School that infested your child and ruined your life.


PS: As lice is a sign of poor hygiene and a destitute lifestyle, we urge all those that make less than $20,000 a year to keep your children home for the next couple weeks while we order more tongue depressors.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

An open letter to the creators and family members of 'You Gabba Gabba'.

Dearest Yo Gabba Gabba cast members and creators that I so deeply offended two years ago,

I understand you have not heard from me since I tore your show to shreds in this post on October 8, 2008. I would like you to know that I have meant to post this apology for quite some time now and I the guilt has finally reached the deepest portions of my soul.

I'd like you to know that I never intended for you to actually see that post. Also, I had no idea my best friend was related to you all. Never in a million years did I think that I would receive comments on that post like this one from FOOFA HERSELF!:

"Oh hi. Wow. I never knew that the show disappointed people like that. I wonder if life has any meaning anymore. "

And this one from Foofa's mother:

"I'm actually the mother of Foofa. She's quite talented and creative as is all her family."

After receiving this comment on my blog, I was very curious as to what Foofa's mother might look like. I googled it to no avail. However, I did find this picture and I am pretty sure it's her dad:

ANYWAY, time to get down to the real reason for my apology. You see, about a year ago, you aired this episode with guest star Jack Black:



This episode may be the greatest thing human life has ever known. I have watched this episode over 10 times. I am ashamed (and I am not ashamed) to say that I DVR'd it and would even watch it without my boys in the room. I am not sure if you meant for this episode to be hilarious, but it was more than hilarious. It was hilariosity at it's finest. Jack puts on the performance of a lifetime.

I guess what I am trying to say is that any show that can patch together a work of art like that episode with nothing more than a bearded idiot and an over-sized orange jumpsuit can't be all that bad. No, in fact, I'd say it's pretty darned good.

My apologies Yo Gabba Gabba. I had you all wrong. You are hip, with it and ultra cool. All it took was a rumbly, bumbly Jack Black to show me the light.

Bless you all,

Cheeseboy

Friday, April 9, 2010

The origin of the phrase "the elephant in the room". By Cheeseboy

- Sir, we have trimmed the elephant's toenails and she's ready for the zoo exhibit.

- Excellent. She looks terrific. The kids will just love her.

- Is she pregnant yet?

- No, we have been unsuccessfully trying to mate her with Brutus. Brutus wants nothing to do with her.

- Sir, she is standing right here. She can hear every word you say!

- Oh come on. She can't understand us. The strange thing is that Brutus will mate with her sister. It only took her sister a week to get pregnant.

- Sir, really I don't think we should be talking about this with the elephant in the room. I'm sure she can hear us.

- Oh come on. Look at those pouty eyes and that stupid stare. She doesn't understand a word. [Sniff] She does have a strange scent to her. Has she been having gastric problems? Maybe that is why Brutus doesn't want anything to do with her?

- Sir, I am really not comfortable with this discussion with the elephant in the room.

- Well if she can't breed, then she is worthless. We may have to sell her to that blasted circus.

- Sir, seriously. There's an elephant in the room!

- I guess I can see why. Her sister does have a longer trunk and her ears are HUGE! This one's ears are puny. They look like shriveled plums.

- I really don't think we should talk about the elephant in the room. The elephant in the room is off limits! New rule: NO MORE TALKING ABOUT THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM!

- Oh no. I think she wants to tell us something. She looks angry! She wants the paint brush. What's that she's writing? How does she know how to spell THAT word?! Why am I all bloody? Oh gee, I guess you were right!

Song of the Day: Shout Out Louds - Walls

Due to the recent blowup of popularity my blog has been experiencing lately, I am not sure what to do with the "Song of the Day". Not that I am ungrateful - it has been incredibly awesome that people have actually been paying attention to this little blog and my nonsensical items. It's been more than satisfying to write something I am proud of and have more than three comments on it.

That being said, I love to share the music I love and will continue to do so. There are a few music followers out there that came to this blog only for the "Song of the Day" and I hate to disappoint. So, if you are not into my kind of music (meaning that of the kick butt variety), pretend that these posts do not exist and go on listening to your country or Irish yodeling or hymns or whatever it is that you enjoy.

Today's song of the day comes from one of my all time favorite bands, Shout Out Louds. This Swedish band has just released their new album "Work" and it is all I have listened to for three straight days. This is my favorite song off the album.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Men: Before you propose on a hot air balloon ride, think it through man. Think... it... through!

So... where did YOU get engaged?

(If you have never been engaged, pardon my uncouth, half-witted query)

Scouting the perfect engagement spot is quandary of every man and one man hath surpassed every man.

You see, I have this buddy that we shall call "Ty". We shall call him that because that is his name.

Ty put the rest of the world's men pathetic proposals to shame and got engaged in a hot air balloon. ("Hot air balloon" bolded for emphasis on the location of the proposal) Apparently, the deal needed sealing and the sealing needed to be done without ceilings. No woman can resist a hot air balloon proposal. It's like the Axe body sprays of proposals, but without the slimy residue and floozy, desperate girls. (Or maybe WITH the floozy girls, depending on the proposee)

However, the question I must ask is - what if she had said no? I've given this a lot of thought and the hot air balloon is the consummate proposal location UNLESS she says no. Then it becomes a bad idea; a harrowing, callous, cumbersome idea. (Use of thesaurus in full effect)

Here's how it COULD HAVE unfolded...

[Ty gets down on his knee]

Ty: So, I've been giving a lot of thought to our relationship...

Daphne: Oh no.

Ty: I love you.... (insert other sentimental BS a man would make up in order to score here)... Will you marry me?

Daphne: It's just that... I've been giving our relationship a lot of thought too.

Ty: Oh no.

Daphne: I just don't think we were meant for each other. It's not you, it's me.

Ty: So, what are you saying?

Daphne: I guess what I am saying is, no. No, I can't marry you.

Ty: Oh.

[2 minutes of awkward silence pass as they both stare out at the countryside]

Daphne: It's beautiful up here.

Ty [sarcastically]: Yep. Only cost me $300.00.

Daphne: Oh. I'm so sorry.

Ty: No, it's no biggie. I'd pay thousands to have my heart ripped out of my chest.

Daphne: Oh. I'm sorry.

Ty: Sorry doesn't put the $300 back in my wallet, does it?

[2 more minutes pass]

Ty: Did you see 'The Office' the other night?

Daphne: OH YEAH! The one where Andy hits the wall.

Ty: No, I think that was like 4 seasons ago.

Daphne: It was?

Ty: Yeah, pretty sure.

Daphne: Oh, I must have been watching a rerun.

Ty: Yeah, TNT is running reruns now.

Daphne: "TNT, where drama happens." [nervous laughter]

Ty: You're thinking of TBS.

Daphne: Oh, that's right.

[Two more silent minutes pass]

Ty [To balloon operator]: How long is this ride anyway?
Balloon man: You sign up for two hour ride.

Ty: Two hours? Really? Oh.

[Two more awkward minutes pass]

Ty: Could you just land it in that field over there?

Balloon man: Nah, not where de pickup zone is.

Ty: Can you just drop ME off in that field over there then?

Balloon man: No can do. We have a limited supply of balloon juice to keep us afloat.

Ty: You just made that up, didn't you?

Balloon man: Yep.

[Two more awkward, silent minutes]

Ty [To balloon man]: Has anyone ever fallen out of a balloon this high and survived?

Balloon man: Don't know.

Ty: Has anyone ever fallen out of a balloon at any height and survived?

Balloon man: You no like-a de ride? (Apparently the balloon man is Italian. And also from a bad Saturday Night Live skit)

Ty: - Sigh - No. The ride is fine. How much longer?

Balloon man: De ride dis only hour and a half longer.

Daphne: I'm so sorry.

Ty: [Head bent over the side, weeping]: It's not you, it's me.

Balloon man [laughing]: That's what she said!

Ty: [sniff] WHAT?

Balloon man: I wacha de Office last night too.

LESSON: Unless you are 100% positive she will say yes, never propose in a hot air balloon. This rule also goes for a submarine, cave tour and a jail cell.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Alien supermodels and their seedy, unquenchable desires.


If I had been abducted by aliens as a 16 year old and every alien looked like a beautiful supermodel, this is a report of the information I would give them to take back to their home planet and share with the other supermodel aliens. Also, the supermodel aliens are a dying breed and are looking for a man to help repopulate their planet as there are no male supermodel aliens on their planet still alive

.

Head alien Cindy Crawford: I take it you abducted the boy "Abe" and received information from him about earthling males?

Alien Christy Turlington: Yes, that is correct leader.

Alien Cindy: Did you complete the full body probe?

Alien Christy: No no. He said something about having to talk to his Bishop first.

Alien Cindy: FOOLS! At least you garnered information. You did garner information, correct?

Alien Kate Moss: We've got all the information we need, Cindy. Garnering is what we do.

Alien Cindy: Go on...

Alien Kate: 16 -year-old earthling Abe tells us much about the men of his planet. Here are some of the more important details he explained to us about their habits and behavior. We now know what to look for in a mate.

- Male earthlings reach their peak at age 17. After the age 17, it's all downhill. We don't even want to look at males over the age of 17 - they are hideous beings with no value left in their souls.

- Some males in the desired age group of 16 have "pimples", but Abe referred to them as "handsome spots". The more of these handsome spots they have on their face, the more desirable they are to the opposite sex.

- It is perfectly normal for 16 year old men on earth to spend Friday night locked up in his room, listening to a Jazz game on the radio while slurping a 64 ounce Slurpee. Not only is it normal, but men that do this are considered "mysteriously awesome".

- The fewer females an earthling 16 year old has kissed, the more sexy they are. If a male has kissed more than one female before the age 17, they are considered "pathetic", "ugly" and "passed around and used up".

- In fact, it is ideal to date a male that has kissed zero females.

- The best males to date are the ones that have an extensive collection of rock concert tee shirts. Actually, the males with the best reproductive genes are those that have two rock concert tee shirts with something called "Stone Temple Pilots" on the front. Look for these men!

- The larger the male's driving machine, the smaller their brain. The smartest males drive something called a "1989 Jeep Comanche truck".

- If a male has trouble talking to females or shies away, it is not because they are scared, but rather, they are playing hard to get and females should be extra aggressive when pursuing them. These males types are actually the dominant males in their species.

- The best, or "chosen" males do not participate in sports at their places of learning. Rather, the chosen males spend their time sitting around in their buddies basements, making homemade comedy videos. Only the brutes and jackasses play something called "football".

- Stay away from these football males. You'll know who they are because they wear large numbers on their shirt. The number on their chest indicates the position of how dumb they are in the place of learning. If they are wearing number 6, that means they are the 6th dumbest male at the place of learning. Stay away from males that wear numbers. The numbers!

- Males that make you laugh are the kings of the land and are held in high regard.

- Highly desirable males are the ones that have the most lines from something called "Billy Madison" memorized. These men like it when you laugh at these quotes they say them.

Alien Cindy: You've done well ladies. Really well. Where is this "Abe"? I'd like to meet him myself.

Alien Kate: He is in the backseat of the spaceship. He said he needed to change into his other Stone Temple Pilot tee shirt before meeting you.

Alien Cindy: Ohhh. Bring him hither, for I shall need a word. Do it promptly, for I am thirsty for my alien Pepsi. Now, where are my alien short Levi jeans?

I said PROMPTLY!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

How to sucessfully obtain a piece of gum. [From the mind of my four-year-old son, Calder]

- I think I want a piece of gum. Mom hates it when I eat gum. I really like gum. I'm going to ask her for some gum. What can it hurt? It's just gum and mom loves me.

"Can I have gum mom?"

"No."

Oh chicken-poop! That didn't work. No, that went badly. Very badly. Time to try plan R. Wait, what letter comes after A? Well, here goes...

"Pleeeeeeeease mom?"

"No."

"But I REALLY want gum."

"No. Dad will be home soon and we will be eating dinner."

Grr. Nothing gets by this woman. She is too smart. She is like the DJ Lance of mommies. No, she's worse. She is like the Dr. Octopus of mommies. I know... I'll try screaming. Screaming is fail proof. It works every time, except the times it doesn't, which is almost every time.

"MOM - I WANT A PIECE OF GUM!!!"

"No. And screaming is not going to help."

Wow. She is stoic. Stoic AND unwavering. She's not the Dr. Octopus of mommies. No, she's the Mr. Crab of mommies - what with her vicious claws and loads of money.

I hate to pull it out this early, but I'm desperate. She needs to see the tears. The tears will be my savior.


"Mommy. [sniff] I WANT A PIECE OF GUM! WAAAAAA!"

"NO CALDER! I TOLD YOU NO. WE ARE NOT HAVING GUM RIGHT NOW!"

Is her heart made of steel? Is she even human? But... I knew it! I knew I could get a rise out of her. All it took was a mild outburst and now she is tittering on the brink. And now, for the final touch - the resolute, virile tantrum. She'll never know what hit her.

"I WANT A PIECE OF GUM. NOW! I WANT GUM! MOM, I WANT GUM. GUM, GUM GUM."

"CALDER - NO! YOU ARE NOT HAVING A PIECE OF GUM. YOU HAVE TO GO TO TIME OUT!"

Why does she always put me on my bed? I love my bed. I know what would really drive her over the top. I'm going to sit here and goof around and play like nothing ever happened. Wait, is that the door? DAD'S HOME! Mom went downstairs. Hmm...

"DAD! DAD! I MISSED YOU! I LOVE YOU!"

"Ah. Hi Calder. I missed you too. How was your day?"

"Can I have a piece of gum?"

"Sure. Do you want the hot kind or the not hot kind?"

"Not hot daddy."

"Okay, let me get you some. Here you go. Did you have a good day?"

"Yeah daddy. Thanks for the gum!"

He he he. When mom comes upstairs I am going to stick my gum out at her in a mocking fashion. She totally deserves it. He he he... here she comes.

"Look at this mom!"

"DID YOU GIVE HIM THAT PIECE OF GUM!?"

"What? Yes? Why?"

[Moan]

"Why? What? What?"

- He he. I win. I always win. I've successfully turned them against each other. Tomorrow I will finally get to eat that candy bar I've had my eye on in the cupboard.

The Easter Egg Hunt: Pure Evil

The Blog O' Cheese is on hiatus for my birthday and vacation.  Please enjoy this repost from April 6, of last year.

There ain't nothing worse than a really great Easter Egg hunt in your local community.

On your mark... get set... TEAR EACH OTHERS' ARMS OFF!

Who hasn't been to an Easter Egg hunt with more than five kids that DIDN'T end with at least one kid in tears? Hands? Hands? That's right, you're too busy drying your eggless kid's tears with a dirty old Arctic Circle napkin you threw in your glove compartment 6 months ago.

Egg hunts are NEVER properly organized and NEVER properly supervised. I've seen kids trampled without a second thought or shoved into a cactus like a cornucopia filled with with broccoli... all in the name of a plastic egg with a black licorice jelly bean rattling around inside.

No, egg hunts are less about the spirit of Easter and more about who is the quickest, meanest and most brutal bully in a group of 100 bullies.

Can you imagine what would happen if at Christmas we hid all the toys in a park, brought all the neighborhood children together and said: OK, HAVE AT IT! After 10 minutes, there wouldn't be an unbloodied, uncrying kid left!

Hey, while we're at it, instead of trick-or-treating, we should just pour all the candy in the middle of the church gym and count down from 10. Heck, we could even throw up some chain-linked around the pile and have an all out grudge match. I'll bring child-sized brass knuckles.

I've actually attended egg hunts in which one egg holds a special prize - a $100 bill or a ticket for a free bicycle. As if an Easter Egg hunt wasn't already too much like a cruel Japanese game show! This little trick just ads fuel to an already blazing candy induced inferno. It's a little like Oprah hiding a bunch of keys around her studio and telling the audience, "Well, the more keys you find, the better chance you have at winning that Pontiac Aztec in the parking lot." Yeah, good luck finding a place to bury all those bodies Oprah.

Perhaps I am filled with such Easter ire because Mother Nature, or Father Time, or God (Who does decide this stuff?) made my boys in the extra small variety? Maybe it is because there are never enough plastic eggs in this world? Maybe it is that the younger kids always end up with the LEAST eggs, when it should be the other way around. Maybe it is simply the fact that I try and teach my boys and First Graders to share and avoid greedy gluttony instead of acting like ravenous, egg stealing rattlesnakes?

Whatever the case, I think we will stick with our simple egg hunt in the back yard with just me and the boys - that way I ONLY have two kids to trample and push into a cactus in order to get the most jelly filled plastic eggs. GET OUT OF MY WAY YOU STINKIN' KID!

Oh and hey, Happy Easter everybody!

PS: I'd like to add that I dedicate this post to my wife, who is really the one that hates large scale Easter Egg hunts. Also, she only occasionally laughs at my posts nowadays, so I am hoping to get her with one she is very passionate about.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Leeds, Utah: A place to get anything and everything you'll ever need for a birthday party.

There are unfortunate tragedies in the life of a teacher, one of which is the end of spring break. We spent the weekend at the home of my in-laws in vacuously sublime, backwardly bizzare Leeds, Utah.

Leeds is a small town, just 10 miles North of St. George. The town is so small, for fun, the folks there tie up their cattle to the back of their four-wheelers and take them for lovely jaunts around town.

I feel compelled to show you something I spotted while jogging one brisk Leedsy eve. I spotted this parked truck and had to come back to snatch a picture.


Hm, paintballs, violins AND FOOD STORAGE?! This is a dream company come true! Definitely time to call them up...

Hello? Yes, I was wondering if you have paintballs? My son is having a birthday party in a couple months and he enjoys shooting people in the face with paint.

Why yes. Yes we have paintballs.


We also want to ensure that the losers are serenaded to Schubert's "Death and the Maiden" as they walk off the battlefield.
You don't happen to know where we could get some violins, do you?

Okay. Well, we have violins.


NO WAY! And we already bought the cake. You don't have a way to store it, do you?


Why yes. In fact we do!


Your business... why, I'm just going to say it: It's some sort of genius operation you've got there!


We do have the very best for your paintball/violin/food storage needs.


I'll be darned if you don't. I'll be sure to refer you to all my friends.

Goodbye dear chap!


(I always end my phone conversations with "dear chap". It's refreshingly charming and makes me sound like I run a veterinarian clinic in the English countryside. If there's one thing I've learned in my 33 years of life it is this: no one hates a charming English bumpkin with a love for healing country livestock and the like.)

Sunday, April 4, 2010

50 followers! Well, I made a promise.

50 followers. A promise is a promise.

This is the actual email sent to Governor Herbert at this site. I promise to keep you updated as to a reply.

Dear Governor Herbert,

I am contacting you in regards to the 'skinny jean'. Perhaps you have heard of them or seen them worn by the kiddos on their skateboards or talking on their modern technical nick-knacks? They're all the rage amongst the teen scene and in the dance halls, saloons and especially the shady discotheques.

Sir, not since the popularity of the parachute pant' in '88 has there been a more rancorous and offensive bloomer movement.
I implore you to rid our state of these reprehensible knickers. I have many, shall we say, "followers" that will surely find your name much easier on the ballot if such a law is put into place.

The future of our state's fashion reputation is in your hands.

Your best friend in the whole world,


Abe

PS: Do you wear 'skinny jeans'?

Friday, April 2, 2010

My application for cruise ship employment.

I've often considered alternative professions, just in case this whole teaching thing didn't work out. I've thought about becoming a ventriloquist for the blind (the easiest kind of ventriloquism) or a used car lot salesman (specializing in the sell of actual used car lots, not used automobiles).

However, if in fact this whole teaching thing goes to pot (which it may, as pot has become the prevalent choice of burnt out teachers) someday, I do have a plan B that I am thrilled about: Cruise Ship Ice Sculpting (A craft I fell in love with on the '99 Spirit of Carnival maiden voyage) In the spirit of over-preparedness, I have already developed a resume on the very likely chance that I someday obtain an interview with a Carnival Cruise Director.

RESUME OF:
Cheeseboy, Sophisticated Philosophant Extraordinaire

OBJECTIVE:
To obtain a position in the charm induced, high paced world of Cruise Ship Ice Sculpting.

EXPERIENCE WITH ICE:
  • Family ice block hill sliding championship 3 years running.
  • Installed line for self serve ice machine in the refrigerator.
  • Use ice frequently to cool drinks - expert in the field of the 7-11 ice machine.
  • Sound foundational knowledge of the properties of ice and how to make it.
  • Over 11,000 ice cubes made in my freezer over my lifetime.
EXPERIENCE WITH CARVING:
  • Over 39 sharp sticks carved over my lifetime.
  • 1989 wood carving merit badge recipient.
  • Ability to carve a bar of soap into a much smaller bar of soap.
  • Watched 'Groundhog Day' 8 times.
  • Extreme chainsaw moxie.
CRUISE SHIP EXPERIENCE:
  • Two time cruise ship participant. ('99, '00)
  • Passed required lifejacket test both times. (But just barely in '00 due to a whistle malfunction)
  • Karaoke champion in '99. (Neil Diamond Division)
OTHER RELATED SKILLS:
  • 1 year marshal arts training. Self taught.
  • Optimistic by nature
  • Magician (Total of 2 card tricks)
  • Attacked by swan (non-ice)
  • Type 70 WPM.