Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Never mix Costco Sushi and free eggnog.

All I needed was a pack of CDs.

The sweet fragrance of old lady sweat and the silvery shine of shearing scissors overcame my senses and I floated - as if out of my body - above the piles of sweaters, over the unopened boxes of Sarah Palin books, around the cell phone kiosk, until at long last... I had settled in comfortably next to a grinning, blue-haired grandma.

She handed me a paper cup with a piece of sausage the length and width of a quarter in it.

- Gulp -

Ah, it had been awhile, but I was home. Home... or so I had thought.

On to table two - some sort of sandwich wrap with a dab of Ranch dressing on it. Bad move. Real bad. I can't imagine dog feces tasting much worse. (Not the big dog kind, but the little, rat dog kind)

I had to get that gosh awful taste out of my mouth... and FAST!

Table 3: Small block of cheese. Perfect. But now I am thirsty.

Ah, I see the drinks, way across the way. There are only 6 tables between me and the sodas.

Table 4: A slice of apple with something slimy on it; I am going to refer to it as "cheese". Gulp.

Next.

Table 5: Now this is where it gets a little sticky. Bad sushi. Costco sushi. Really bad Costco sushi. Need... something... fast.

Table 6: Eggnog. It's something to drink. It will have to do.

Oh no, even worse. Eggnog and bad sushi. Rotten. Life lesson: never mix eggnog with bad Costco sushi.

Only four more tables to the soda!

Table 7: Quiche. I know my the lining of my stomach has been burnt to a crisp and my mouth tastes like I made out with a dog that had just eaten eggnog and sushi, but who am I to pass up a good quiche?

This quiche would have killed to be considered "good".

Three more tables and this will all be behind me.

Table 8: Some sort of whole grain cracker with a nice little swab of spinach dip.

I have no idea why I ate that.

Death. Take me. If this is the way I was meant to go, so be it.

The last two tables were a blur. My head was spinning, my bowels on fire, my loins pinched by an enormous clenched fist like Sylvester Stalone's in the 1987 classic arm wrestling movie "Over The Top". I don't remember much at tables 9 & 10, just the beating of my own heart and a kindhearted elderly woman with a hairy chin and a hairnet leaning over me and asking if I was feeling alright.

I think one of these tables may have been a frozen pizza. It's nice they are handing it out, given that I have NEVER had a frozen pizza before.

At long last, table 11. The soda gleaming and glistening like the sweat on a Biggest Loser contestant's belly. I reached, hand trembling, drops of perspiration dripping off my forehead. Finally, the sweet relief of bubbly nectar rinsing my bowels of the poisonous rotten toxins.

What is this? What IS this stuff? Some sort of all natural diet fruit drink?!

Cathi had to strap me to the bottom of the shopping cart (on top of the toilet paper) and load my quivering body into the back of the van. I am just now recovering.

All I needed was a pack of CD's.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Cheeseboy's second annual "Best Posts of the Year Awards".

It was much more difficult this year to select my favorite posts. I did my best and narrowed it down and then ranked the top ten. I used the feedback, comments and just my own gut to select what I believed were the ones that made people laugh the most. (Plus, there's nothing quite like a good pat on the back to make yourself seem more important) So, in case you missed anything, here are my top ten posts of '09. (Links included, in case you forgot or wanted to revisit them) PLEASE VOTE IN THE POLL ON THE RIGHT FOR THE ONE THAT YOU THOUGHT WAS THE MOST ENTERTAINING!


1. Thursday, July 9 - Please breastfeed in public. (I AM NOT A SEXIST PIG!)
This is a quite hilarious (if I do say so myself) retrospect of why I encourage breastfeeding in public, and not for the reasons you might think.

2. Tuesday, August 16 - No you may not Calder!
Calder announces to the world that he wants to cut a body part off and Lincoln gets the giggles.

3. Friday, December 18 - Best First Grade program EVER!
Video of me making a total jackass of myself to help benefit our First Grade program.

4. Tuesday, May 28 - Haircut night gone awry.
Calder fights getting a haircut and the results take 2-3 weeks to overcome.

5. Tuesday, August 11 - Just call me "Abe".
A humorous essay on why people I am some strange, foreign man from Scandinavia.

6. Tuesday, September 15 - Perhaps the funniest true Dollar Store story you will ever hear!
Some bad stuff happened to me that day in the Dollar Store. Some REAL bad stuff.

7. Wednesday, September 23 - Real life stories of a Murray househusband.
What really goes down when husbands are assigned to watch the kids while their wives have "Girl's Night Out".

8. Wednesday, August 12 - How am I supposed to write a ovel whe my computer is missig a letter?
The shameful results of being forced to use a "loaner" laptop without a "N" button while awaiting a new one.

9. Wednesday, February 18 - Cheeseboy's Rules for Hugging
A set of social norms for social situations that involve hugging.

10. Wednesday, January 28 - Mr. Belvadere v. Tony Danza
One of my blogging goals in life is to write stuff that will make my brother Ike laugh and I know he loved this one.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Christmas 2009 is a total bummer.... or is it?!

Calder begged all month for a magic wand. That's all he wanted. He even asked Santa for it when he sat on his lap.

Last week we finally decided we better get him a magic wand. Cathi found one for two dollars at Zurchers, a store that sells crappy party goods.

Christmas morning... Calder is rummaging through his stocking and he ecstatically pulls the two dollar wand out and holds it high and proud, a large smile spread across his face.

With wand in hand, he waves it and says, "ABRACADABRA!"

Nothing.

He tries again. "ABRACADABRA!"

Nothing.

- Almost in tears, my poor, three-year-old boy looks at his wand and says in a pathetic, squeaky voice, "It's broken. Santa brought me a broken one..."

Christmas devastation. He spent the next ten minutes holding back tears and wondering why.

Fortunately, he received plenty of other toys that made up for his grumbling, yuletide disappointment.

The wand still lays on the floor where he dropped it this morning.

Forgotten.

Calder is lying contently in bed right now and in his prayer he thanked God that Santa did not forget him.

The wand may have lost all it's magic, but Christmas did not.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas Everyone! (And a little holiday video to boot!)

This is another song I taught the kids that we did for our program, that I am NOT in. We had two performances - one for the school kids and one for the parents. For both, this song was a HUGE hit. But the school kids cheered for two straight minutes when we were done. Some of the first graders were so embarrassed by the huge ovation that they almost started to cry. We seriously practiced this song over 200 times it seemed, and the end result was quite hilarious. We especially practiced the freezing in between songs, which also is hilarious at times. Keep your eyes peeled for the moonwalker. She is brilliant! (How are we ever going to make this program better next year?!?!) Here is, "The Snowman Song". (Original Score by "InsideOut")

video

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

New rules for people that frequent McDonalds. (Also, new rules for McDonalds employees)

I recently braved the torturous crowds and sticky floors of McDonald's to appease Calder of his unquenchable thirst for the McLifestyle. For whatever reason - the playland mostly - he loves that place. When he was younger, we could pass off any restaurant as McDonald's and he would be content. We would pull into the parking lot of Chili's and announce, "We're here. McDonald's. Sorry, no playland at this one, but you can climb on the really tall bar seats while we wait for our buzzer to go off."

But alas, Calder has outgrown his toddlerecent Mcfatty ignorance and he can now tell a golden arch from a golden coral. Every so often we have to throw the boy a bone. It's a good thing they are selling the McRib again... all those unused bones.

Well, during my last trip to McDonalds I thought to myself, "There really ought to be some rules and regulations for this place!" Seriously, 90% of the people in that place were there for their 2nd or 3rd time that week, yet all 90% acted as if they had never stepped foot in a McDonald's before. Thus, I have created 6 ground rules for folks that want to "eat" at this fine establishment. This list shall be plastered on the doors of every McDonalds nationwide and in Guam.

RULES FOR EATING AT MCDONALDS

1. When ordering food at the counter, do not stare at the board and squint. You look like a moron. They have cheeseburgers and Big Macs. They always have. Order your food and move on.

2. After you have placed your order, step away from the counter to wait. Don't just stand at the register like you are the only one in line. Step aside and move away. Don't worry, they will bring you your Egg McMuffin so you can continue your quest for 400. They will even bring it out if you are not standing right at the counter.

3. When you are at the drink machine, if you can't fill two drinks at once, don't. If you can't fill one drink and chew gum at the same time, don't. Just do what your brain is capable of doing. Filling two drinks at once takes very little coordination and mind control, yet at least half of the people attempting the duo drink will have overflow issues. I guess that is why they are eating at McDonald's.

4. Prior to a child entering the playland, they must be fully submerged in a giant vat of hand sanitizer. The baptism of sanitizer shall also take place upon exiting germ infested plastic tubes.

5. Please make your kids put their shoes back on before entering the bathrooms!

6. If you grab a drink lid and accidentally get two or three, please do not put them back in the dispenser. I don't want your grubby hands on my drink lid.

7. If you are really bored, how about browsing a magazine and not the Redbox screen.

While I am making rules, I might as well make some new rules for our friendly McDonald's employees:

NEW RULES (or actually suggestions) FOR MCDONALD'S EMPLOYEES:

1. Please wipe off the front of the garbage flap every so often so that when I attempt to throw garbage away I do not get somebodies old ketchup all over my hand.

2. Please do not pretend that the thin sliver of paper between the tray and my ketchup somehow desanitizes the tray. The tray is gross. Please wash the trays. Perhaps you could dip them in that giant vat of hand sanitizer that I plan on having for the kiddies?

3. Please do not mop the floor right in front of the drink machine and then act disgusted when I walk on your newly mopped floor. A man needs his orange drink. I am not going to wait for your little masterpiece to dry. If you want to mop something, how about the bathroom floor? I swear I have 36 shoes still stuck to McDonald's bathroom floors across the nation. Perhaps I should try going in shoeless like all of the kids?

4. When handing me my drink in the drive-thru, how about pushing down the little button letting me know what kind of drink I ordered? I don't care if it is the only drink in the order! I want to know that you know what kind of drink I got. Why do you think they make those little buttons on the top of the lid? It's kinda your job to do this stuff.

5. Stop handing out Kidz Bop CDs. They are not fun, they are not toys, they are garbage. Just give me the crappy, little plastic figurine we paid for!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Song of the Year: Empire Of The Sun - We Are The People

It took me a long time to decide on a Song of the Year this year. It was not quite as obvious as last year. Last year, it was clear that Coldplay's "Glass Of Water" was my favorite of '08. I had so many great selections to chose from this year, but I finally decided upon Empire Of The Sun's "We Are The People".

I thought that my selection was so obscure, so original. Then, last night I heard this song on a commercial for Sony televisions?! So much for being creative.

The embedded version of the actual video has been disabled, but if you would like to see it, please go here.

Don't be fooled by the name or the strange cover, this album is absolutely fantastic. Filled with thundering beats and new aged lyrics, their debut album "Walking On A Dream" perhaps the best thing that was released in '09. I give you, "We Are The People".


For those that may be interested, I give you the rest of my top ten tracks of the year:

2. Little Secrets - Passion Pit (Manners)
3. Sick Muse - Metric (Fantasies)
4. Panic Switch - Silversun Pickups (Swoon)
5. Dorchester Hotel - The Sounds (Crossing The Rubicon)
6. Drain The Blood - The Rural Alberta Advantage (Hometowns)
7. Wavin' Flag - K'naan (Troubadour)
8. 1901 - Phoenix (Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix)
9. The Great Defector - Bell X1 (Blue Lights On The Runway)
10. Two Weeks - Grizzly Bear (Veckatimist)

HONORABLE MENTION:

My Girls - Animal Collective (Merriweather Post Pavilion)
Furr - Blitzen Trapper(Furr)
Little Bribes - Death Cab For Cutie (The Open Door EP)
Sleepless - Decemberists (Dark Was The Night - A Red Hot Compilation)
So Insane - Discovery (LP)
Eye On The Prize - Eulogies(Here Anonymous)
Perfection As A Hipster - God Help The Girl (God Help The Girl)
I'm Confused - Handsome Furs(Face Control)
Too Much Time - John Vanderslice (Romanian Names)
The Simple Life - The Juan MacLean (The Future Will Come)
Lessons Learned - Matt & Kim (Grand)
Repeaterbeater - Mew (No More Stories Are...)
Young Adult Friction - The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart (The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart)
I Say Fever - Ramona Falls (Intuit)
Quiet Little Voices - We Were Promised Jetpacks (These Four Walls)
Unfinished Business - White Lies (To Lose My Life)
Percussion Gun - White Rabbits (It's Frightening)

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Hi. My name is Cheeseboy and I am... (gulp) a food moocher.

Hi. My name is Cheeseboy and I am... (gulp) a food moocher.

[Hi Cheeseboy]

I think' I remember when it all began. It could have been the summer of '94. Or the winter solstice of '88. No, I think it was the great bread famine of '82.

Okay, there I go, lying about my problem again. The truth is, I don't remember when I started the mooching. I know a lot of people and it just seems that these people always have food. I'm a hustler; a snacking scam artist; a salami and Swiss swindler. I have come to this community center to admit my misdeeds and to seek help.

I hurt the people I love the most. It hurts me to hurt them, but when they have food, I need that food. It is a food fixation of galactic proportions and it needs to end. People out there are dying of starvation and some have no Christmas Shoes for their mother; and here I am, hoodwinking hot dogs from helpless hobos. (Well, not really from hobos yet, but I needed a H word there)

There is a method to my madness. I do not mooch carelessly or without direction. In fact, I have four detailed, foolproof mooching schemes that I readily use at a moments' notice. Please take note in case I attempt one of the following on you...

1. "The Mope" - This one is quite easy. Find someone that is eating something delightful... say a box of Pringles for instance. Slobber over and inform that person that you are really hungry. Just the mention of "hungry" will get you 6-10 Pringles 90% of the time. (And 2-6 Pringles 95% of the time, but that study is still ongoing)

2. "The Stick Around Awhile" - This scheme takes a little patience, but is surprisingly effective. Just being around someone that is eating while you are not will get you free food 80% of the time. Allow 5-7 minutes for their guilt to set in and be sure to eyeball the desired food to make your desire clear. It is also helpful to mention that all you have for lunch is a couple mini bagels and an apple.

3. "The I've Never Tried That Before" - This is a great line, even if the target food is something that is fairly common. Say for instance, the person is eating something very common such as a Hershey's Kiss. Your best line is something to the effect of, "I love Hershey's Kisses but I have never had the dark chocolate kind. That sounds interesting and smooth. How long have they been making these? That Hershey, he thinks of everything, doesn't he?" This will land you a beloved Hershey's Kiss nearly 100% of the time.

4. When all else fails, one must try (but very carefully) the complex and twisted, "Cobra Khan Skittles Stratagem". Begin by ensuring a large group of people have assembled in the break/lunch room. Look in the work fridge for your sack lunch. When it is not found (purposefully), become instantly convulsed and begin throwing refrigerator magnets in every direction. When others ask why all the fuss, explain that your lunch has been STOLEN! STOLEN! Then sit down and put your head in your hands. When they ask what they can do, explain that "It's okay, I can make it a couple hours before I get home." (Patting your belly and saying, "It's okay little guy, we can make this" is also very helpful.

Then just sit back and watch the food offers come pouring in. Not only will you be well fed, but you will have your choice of delectable entrees to choose from.

I know. I am despicable. I am worse than despicable, I am a disgrace. And that is why I am here today. I need help. I need this support group. I need you all to help me stop the needless mooching.

I had an idea: If each of you would just give me enough food to last me this week, I will have no need to mooch off my friends and esteemed colleagues.

FYI: I like Pringles and Hershey's Kisses, but I have never tried the kind with the almonds in them.

PS: I know my smoking hot lady-wife is going to read this and be somewhat shocked. She will then look at me and say, "Don't you pack enough food in your lunch everyday? If you don't, that's your own fault." To which I will respond, "Yes, but then I walk by my Principal's office and he is eating a doughnut or something and I will want one." She will then just roll her eyes and say, "Whatever" in that adorable way she does and leave it at that. (The "whatever" and eyeroll from my wife means that 1. I am weird and 2. She doesn't want to concern herself with my petty nonsense anymore)

Wednesday marks 15 years since our first date. You get to know a person pretty well in that amount of time.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Best First Grade Christmas Program EVER!

My thanks to Scott for the video. Here it is, what you all have been waiting for, me as Grandma, Bruce AND Marky Mark (with the Funky Bunch behind me)

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Top nine phrases teachers hate.


We Elementary teachers are pretty patient people for the most part. We look and play the part of the kindhearted, peacemaking caregiver. Most of us truly are these things with the possible exception of about 5%. However, I can guarantee that just about every teacher cringes in unmistakable torment at the sound of the following decrees. I present to you, in full Cheeseboy regalia, the top 9 announcements teacher hate to hear:

9. "The PTA will be putting on a fund-raising assembly today." This pronouncement means I will be spending an hour sitting on a metal folding chair and listening to obnoxious squealing over cookie dough and prizes that clearly could have come from the Dollar Tree. And that is just the PTA ladies.

8. "Today will be an inside recess day." Inside recess day means three despicable things: Pent up rugrats with energy to spare, pent up ME with energy to spare and a complete mess in my room. Inside recess is a little like putting a group of superheros in a cage, shaking it up a little bit and hoping that they won't use their superpowers to hurt you. Oh yeah... they are going to use their powers and it's NOT going to be pretty.

7. "It's Grandparents Day today!" Yes, it's grandparents day for SOME kids. Congratulations kids, your grandparents are still alive. Now all you kids with dead grandmas or grandpas that just don't care, come line up over here and eat lunch by yourself. Cheeseboy, you are good at consoling upset kids, right?

6. "The 6th (or any other grade) is using the gym today." There will be no PE in the gym. Oh great, that means I've got to take thirty 7-year-old's out into 30 degree temperatures pretend to enjoy a rousing game of freeze tag. Literal freeze tag.

5. "The choices for lunch today are trout treasures or chili." Trying to convince kids that something called a "trout treasure" or "school brewed chili" is delicious is a little like convincing the Amish that they are going to die of global warming.

4. "It won't stop bleeding." Almost always referring to a nose, but not limited to the nasal region. "It won't stop bleeding" actually means, "Better buy more tissue cause this box will soon be a giant red glob in the garbage can."

3. "I kicked my shoe over the fence at recess." I know what you are thinking: Really? How often does that happen? The surprising answer is: 2.7 times per year. 2.7 days of one child in the classroom crying for six hours while wearing a single shoe. A teacher delight.

2. "Tomorrow is crazy hair day." I hate crazy hair day. It's simply an excuse for a child to act as crazy as their hair. Generally, the rule of thumb is: the crazier the hair, the crazier the kid acts. Crazy hair day always coincides with some special week like Red Ribbon Week or Safety Week. I propose we start a week called "Wear normal hair at school and drive your parents bonkers with crazy hair at home week."

1. "I couldn't make it to the bathroom." No matter what the kid is talking about, if they say this phrase it never means something positive has taken place. Ever.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Utahns can be so incredibly stupid.

I am such an idiotic Utahn. We take great pride moronic behavior. In fact, in a way I sort of thrive on it. We tend to breed stupidity in bundles and sell it in bulk to the local Dollar Tree. Recently, it seems as though the Beehive boneheads have been hit a new gear: "E-Gear to be pathetic". Please take note of the following:

1. A small group of people waited outside a Salt Lake Costco in 4 degree temperature just to be first in line to have Sarah Palin sign their book. What kind of moron sleeps outside in bitter temperatures just to see a two bit has-been and her snowsuited, lumberjacky husband?

Well, after my toes had turned turned brittle and my nostril hair had frozen to the inside of my nose, I kindly asked a stranger to buy me a pack of hand warmers and a slice of cheese with a thin piece of crust underneath it. As it turns out... the hand warmers only came in a pack of a thousand and the cheese cooker had frozen over.

Alas, morning came and the line finally began to move. I had finally reached the entrance and I could just make out the tip of a pair of designer glasses sitting between an old lady handing out gummy bear vitamins and a pile of fishing waders. Finally, Palin was in clear sight and I started running toward her like a moth to the petal of a flower.

I was bounced. Turns out, you have to have a membership to their magic club to see the almighty Palin. Standing in line in the frigid cold overnight would have been worth it, but I was not about to fork over $35 to join their little fraternity. It's unfortunate that Costco was the only establishment classy enough to host Sarah and her hunting buddies.

Who knew that a wheelchaired man wearing a red vest and holding a price gun could be so darned strong. The bad news was that I had to amputate one toe. Also, contrary to popular belief, Palin does is not sold in bulk. Although there is an economy sized Palin sold at Target in the clearance bins. If you buy a hundred of them, you save at least 45 cents per gross.

2. Seven thousand people attended a minor league basketball game in Orem, fully expecting Michael Jordan to show up and play a little one-on-one for a measly $100,000. How did these people get so gullible? Did they eat too many "sloppy joes" in Elementary School? Really? Michael Jordan is going to fly to Provo and embarrass himself in front of 7,000 bozos? No wonder Utah County is the pyramid scheme capital of the world. These dimwits are clueless!

So, my view from the third row was a little bit fuzzy. The speakers were blaring that Chicago Bulls championship music and it was so loud, I could barely maintain myself. I should have known better. Jordan was too classy for this dog and pony show. No way was he going to show up to a minor league basketball game in Orem. I felt like an titter-brained freak. I had been duped! Duped by the best in the business: a D-League marketing team full of evil geniuses!

I'm done with them! I am never going back, ever... EVER!!! (Except next Thursday when they gave me free tickets for the game. But after that - NEVER!)

Thursday, December 10, 2009

What Buddy Lembeck was really thinking everyday...

I'm Buddy.

College. Girls. Charles.

I am in so much mischief. Where's Charles?

How old is that girl he takes care of? When does she turn 18?

I wish they made double stone washed jeans. Stone washed jeans that they stone wash again. That's double stone washed. Stone washed twice.

I am so good at helping Charles go on two dates at one time.

Charles. That guy is the best.

"Lives downstairs and it's understood." What exactly is "understood". That he is waiting for that girl upstairs to turn 18?

I got to get Charles more dates.

We should totally go to the lake this weekend. I know those girls that wear miniskirts are in.

Charles.

Tank tops look really cool with stone washed jeans.

I wish my jeans could be more fluffy on the sides.

I should totally get Charles a date tonight.

Am I still in college?

How does Hammer get his pants to wing out like that?

My hair is so curly.

Did Charles need a date tonight?

How old am I again?

Charles.

Double stone washed. Double. The lake.

Monday, December 7, 2009

This year's best letters to Santa by the kids in my class.

I have some real characters in my class this year. Thus, the letters to Santa I do every year had quite a few doozies! I decided that they must be shared with the Cheese Blog world. Of course, the names have been changed to protect the naughty and nice.




Dear Santa,

For Xmas I want a toy Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid,
Donner and Blitzen. But just surprise me. Love, Amanda
(Scott, this one is your kid's)
______________________________________________________________

Dear Santa,

For Christmas I want a pony you can ride on, but fake like the one they sell at Costco. I also want a kitchen set. Lastly, I want a Jolly Rancher.
Love, Lisa

________________________________________________________________

Dear Santa,

For Christmas I want a puppy, a limo, super powers, my own swimming pool and my own hotel. But just bring me what you think is right.
Thank you for the toys from last Christmas. Love, Angela

_________________________________________________________________

Dear Santa,

I want a remote helicopter and a phone. Santa, can you bring me these presents?
But what about your reindeer's Santa? Are they doing good Santa or are they doing bad? Can you tell me? Can you Santa? Can you tell me? Please? Santa, can you tell me?
From, Kevin

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Santa,

This year I want some
girly legos and a girly TV and some girly American dolls. I want everything girly this year.
From,
Jennifer

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Santa,

I would like a chameleon. I also would like a fly swatter (something practical) and a sweatshirt and some itching cream. I really want a statue of you Santa Clause.
Love,
Shannon

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Official apology for yesterday's statements.

During a moment of passionate passion and righteous indignation, I made some unfortunate comments about Thurl Bailey and a few other obscenely rude people that disrespected my family that I would like to apologize for.

First of all, when I said I "hated the scent of pine trees" I only meant the pine trees that were at the concert I attended ten years ago. I have no ill will towards other pine trees.

Secondly, Brighton High School has nice stairs and the banisters are well kept. When I stated that I hated Brighton High School, I was referring to only the staff, students and the soda machines. I did not mean to imply that I hated the stairs and banisters. I apologize for those generalizations.

I would also like to pardon my comments about carols. I don't hate carols, I just hate the people that sing them. And to Big T, I say this: I am sorry you had to sing to a row of empty chairs that night, but my hands were tied; people were being rude!

I now realize (because someone else had to tell me) that my comments were ill timed and unbecoming of a former Forgotten Carol audience member. However, I stand by my statement. I was disrespected by some punk 4th graders and their mother. So, I only hate them and Brighton High School. Everyone else is off the hook. You can sleep well at night knowing I don't hate you. I still hate Brighton High School. And I hate really long tube socks too, but that is neither here nor there.

So, in summary: I still hate everything I said I hated (except for the stairs and banister) but I wanted you to get a better idea why I hate it. I apologize for not being more clear. That is my apology and I'm sticking to it. God bless us all, Tiny Tim.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Someone once poured ROOT BEER on me! And I HATE them!


This is a true story, taken from the annals of Cheeseboy time and history and space and time.

I am not one to hold a grudge, (Except that I am) but I have been holding onto this one for 10 years now. Call me a baby, call me immature, call me "classless", but this happened, and it really, really hurt my feelings. A lot. And I am still mad about it.

When I was 23, my wife and I went to a Forgotten Carols concert. I was so excited because Thurl Bailey was a guest soloist and he was one of the best basketball players I had ever seen! (They didn't call him "Big T" for nothing, you know!) He was really good.

We arrived at the Brighton High School Auditorium early that night. I was eager to get a good seat... the closer to Thurl Bailey, the better.

The auditorium was festive that eve. It smelled of yuletide candy canes and high school body odor. The stage was gallantly lit with mirthful Christmas lights, pine trinkets and two large festive banners proclaiming "Merry Christmas!" and "Go Bengals!"

My wife in her kerchief and I in my cap, had just settled in to our sugarplum plush seats in the second row.

As the show began, I was inundated, no - engulfed in a wave of Christmas spirit. The awe inspiring music made me weep and think of that sweet Tiny Tim, starving and hungry and looking for some Christmas shoes for his dying, crippled father. When Thurl joined in, I was near tears! (Man tears. The kind that chop wood and hunt bear) I was Christmas and Christmas was me. We were as one.

I was simply... having... a wonderful Christmas time.

And then... a Christmas blunder of Grinchy - ultra - Scrooge-like proportions. I heard a pop, and a fizz and I felt something drip down the back of my neck. I turned around to see four young boys, each grinning from ear to ear and holding a fresh can of Barq's Root Beer.

At this moment, I could no longer hear Thurl Bailey's angelic voice or smell the sweet odor of gingerbread emanating over the audience. I was furious. How dare they? HOW DARE THEY?!

Here is the kicker: Barq's is the only Root Beer with caffeine. I'd have been okay if it were A&W or even Sprite, but this was a drink filled with a vile, addictive drug. I had always been taught to say no to drugs and here I had it dripping down the back of my neck. I prayed Thurl wasn't watching. Can you imagine what he would have thought?!

I pulled a tissue out of my man-purse and wiped off the back of my neck. I then turned around and gave the boys the most angry, crusted, ill-tempered look they had ever received in their life. Their mother, clearly not captivated by the Christmas spirit of the occasion, caught glimpse of my grumpy stare and proceeded to have the gall to call me "rude". ME?! SHE was the one that was allowing her prepubescent sons to drink liquid sin at a Christmasy, spiritful occasion. And now, it was dripping down my neck.

I have never been so offended. I have never been so huffy or puffy. I had been disgraced. Sure, I knew there was a chance that there would be so called, "caffeine drinkers" at this occasion. And yes, once these folks got the caffeine in their bodies, they could be a little, shall we say... reprehensible. Further, I really had no expectation that the caffeine would be all over my body.

So, I left. I left like I had never left before. Christmas was over. Thurl would have to sing to an empty seat and a row full of young boys all hawked up on sugary, iniquitous caffeine.

I would just like to make the following statement that I have been waiting ten years to release:

I hate Brighton High School I HATE it. I hate everything associated with that place. I hate their teachers, I hate their students, I hate their stupid soda machines in the lobby!

I would also just like to say that I hate carols (both forgotten and remembered), I hate pine tree scent and yes, that's right... I even hate Thurl "Big T" Bailey.
They didn't DESERVE to have me at their concert. They didn't DESERVE my applause. How... dare... they?! I hate them all. HATE THEM ALL!

(It's so fun to make stuff up about people I hate and have done me wrong)