Thursday, April 30, 2009
READ THIS PORTION IF YOU ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS OR YOU ARE A COMPUTER NERD. OTHERWISE, SKIP THIS PORTION COMPLETELY. Every time I open Safari, it completely times out and locks up the entire computer. The Mac rainbow thing just spins and spins. I fixed this problem by downloading Firefox, which turns out, I like more anyway.
Okay, so the techs came. They came at 3:30 just as I was walking out the door.
"We're here to fix Mr. Cheeseboy's computer."
"Oh, I am right here, but I fixed it. I downloaded Firefox and it works fine."
"Well, lets take a look at it and see why Safari's not working. It should only take 5 minutes."
They open Safari. It locks up the computer.
3:35 "That's weird, never seen this before. Let's close all the programs and restart the computer." (I tried that, um, 25 times.)
"Mr. Cheeseboy, did you know that when you just X out of programs on Mac's, it doesn't really close the program?"
"Yes, I knew that."
"Well, we tell people because a lot of teachers don't know that."
"Mostly morons?! Am I right?!" (My lame attempt at techie humor was not well received by the techies.)
They spend the next 15 minutes trying to connect to the internet. 10 minutes of which they spent typing in the wrong password.
3:50 "Okay, finally got connected! Now lets see if we can't get Safari running. Should only take five minutes."
"Let's run a (something technical I don't know what it is, but has to do with the hard drive) check. It should only take 5 minutes. Can you hang around a little longer?"
4:07 "That's weird. Everything is clean. I've never seen this before. Got me stumped on this one."
"Like I said, I have been using Firefox and I like it better anyway. So..."
"Yes, but I would really like to know what is going on with this Safari thing. Let me check one more thing. It should only take 5 minutes."
4:20 "You know, you've got a LOT of printers connected to this computer. Do you use that many printers?"
"Well, I have 3 at home and then a bunch here at school I use. Why, is that what is locking up Safari?"
"No, no. It is just really unusual to see someone with that many printers. That's A LOT of printers"
"Oh. I never thought about it."
4:30 "Didn't you say that you like Firefox better?"
"Okay, cause I have no idea what is going on with Safari. This is a new one for me."
"Well, I'll just use Firefox. The computer works fine with Firefox."
"Okay, but we will be back (did I mention that there are TWO of them there to fix this little problem) to try and fix it. I am going to Google this tonight. Here's your computer back."
"Sorry it took so long."
"It's okay (not really). Hopefully your Google goes well."
I left, one hour after I was heading out the door. Which begs the question, what kind of IT degree do you need to have to Google computer problems? Oh and I guess I need to limit the number of printers I use in order to save face with the computer dorks. (No offense to my friends that are techs.)
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Being the admitted hypochondriac that I am, this swine flu outbreak could be the worst possible scenario I may ever encounter. I want to protect myself (and my family). I need to protect myself (and my family). I DON'T WANT TO DIE OF SWINE FLU! There has to be something I can do. There has to be something I can take. Right now, I am just sitting back and waiting for the vicious bug to infect my body's "digestive", "nervous" and "REALLY nervous" systems. Stupid swine flu.
It's a good thing I am not a farmer. Farmers must be constantly dying of crap. Bird flu from the ducks, mad cow disease from the cows, chickenpox from the chickens and now the swine flu from the swine. Just wait until you see what the goats have in store!
Here's another thing... who calls pigs "swine" nowadays anyway?! It's like "they" (not really sure who "they" are, but "they" are out to get us hypos) are trying to scare us hypochondriacs even more by calling it the "SWINE flu". Just calling it the "pig flu" would lessen my anxiety level two or three strokes on the ole' hypo meter.
So I have begun researching the swine flu to find out it's symptoms and to quell (or more likely heighten) any of my unsubstantiated anxieties. Fortunately every major news site has 8 or 9 articles about pigs flying through the sky and spreading their dreaded flu with razor sharp fangs.
Actually, it turns out that swine flu is actually not even spread by pigs and that it is even safe to eat pork. The first article I read went into great detail about how pig, and pork, are innocent bystanders and their honorable name is being used unfairly to describe a horrific, deadly infestation. I guess it's still safe as long as it is kosher. Actually, maybe kosherizing the pork takes all the flu out of it? Just a thought.
I was interested to read the first article entitled, "Swine Flu Spreads Across the Globe". I learned all about the flu and it was described as "coughing, fever, vomiting" - pretty much... the flu. Being the infectious worry-wart that I am, I looked up another article, "Swine Flu now Inside the United States". This was even worse. Now the virus is creeping up on us like a sneaky, rabid possum on steroids - in fact, it is right in our backyard! Of course, the next article I read was, "Swine Flu Inevitable In Utah". Inevitable? Inevitable? I am a dead man. Do they still have plots available at the Murray City Cemetary?
I had to investigate further. My next article, "How to Protect Yourself from Swine Flu" was an engaging read and it suggested I wash my hands. That's it? Just wash my hands? Dang, I am actually going to have to start washing my hands?! What is this, a McDonalds kitchen about to be inspected by the Health Inspector?! I don't have time to brush my teeth AND wash my hands! I'm a busy man. Oh, and the article also suggested that I "wear a surgical mask". Perfect, I've got one of those in my "dress up" set at home. Sure, the kids generally never want to dress up like a boring doctor (I said generally. Of course, some kids are curious...), but I KNEW there was a reason I kept that old, moldy mask around.
My excitement for swine prep wained a bit when I read my next article, "Do Surgical Masks Really Prevent the Flu?" Of course, they only give 90% protection. A condom promises 98.8% protection! Which makes me wonder - why don't they make surgical masks out of the same material condoms are made of? That would boost the protection percentage up 8 points! Although, you would have to poke holes in the material so you could breath, and I am sure that would lower your protection considerably. What was I talking about again? Ah yes, the swine flu.
Alas, I am but a helpless and moronic man, left to wash my hands every half hour, stock up on duct tape and wear a surgical mask to go pick up a loaf of bread. Oh, and I guess I will have to stop brushing my teeth to make room for all that hand washing. The swine flu is inevitable. As inevitable as death. Too bad they will both probably happen at the same time for me.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Like I said, 20 minutes of rest was invaluable. Where are we supposed to go now? The Tiki Room? They don't even have chair backs and it's always raining in there.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT WISH LIST
(I’ve crossed out the items I cannot afford.)
1. Medieval suit of armor. 2. Macrame plant holder. 3. Personalized magician showing by Harry Schudinni. 4. Croc – skinned crocs. 5. Giant sized harmonica. 6. A cameo in the next Pauley Shore movie. 7. A gift card to Build-A-Bear Workshop. 8. Combination snow cone/cotton candy maker. 9. “Quest For Perfection” tee shirt. 10. Susan Boyle bobble-head 11. A large bag of caffeinated sunflower seeds. (They really exist!)
12. Armband to hold iPod while I run.
13. Season tickets to University of Utah football games.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
- After Calder was done with his checkup, the doctor asked him if he wanted a sucker. He looked at the doctor and said, "REALLY? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!"
- We told Calder that the doctor would be checking all his body parts. Calder asked, "Even my penis?" Yes, Calder, even your penis. The rest of the day, Calder walked around saying, "THE DOCTOR CHECKED MY WHOLE BODY - EVEN MY PENIS."
- I had to help Lincoln pee in a cup for his first time. If you have ever had to help a boy do this for the first time, it is quite an experience. I'll just say, we were lucky to get out of there without any major spills.
- We stopped by Grandma and Grandpa McPheeter's house before going home. They gave Lincoln and Calder each a bag full of Easter goodies. Lincoln looked at the bottom of the bag and asked, "When did Grandma and Grandpa go to China?"
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
The truth is even if I wanted to find another job right now, I wouldn't exactly have my choice of sweet nectarines to pick from a nectarine, uh, plant??? What do nectarines grow on anyway? What I am trying to say is that finding a job that I like as much as teaching or that makes more than teaching is pretty much impossible right now. Although, I do have a few ideas:
1. Ronald McDonald - There is this Ronald McDonald guy that comes to our school every year, tells a few jokes, does a couple tricks and then says, "DON'T DO DRUGS!" and calls it a day. My Principal actually told me that I would do an excellent job at this. Yes, I am not sure if this was a compliment, but I am going to go ahead and say... it wasn't! He actually told me that this Ronald McDonald assembly guy makes like 100 grand a year.
Pros: The $100,000/year thing.
Cons: You are Ronald McDonald.
2. Barber - I've been watching a lot of Leave It To Beaver with Lincoln lately, and the thing is, everyone always loves the Barber. Also, Barbers are almost always sarcastic and jaded. But if I were to be a Barber, I would have have my own manly place. No way am I going to "shampoo" anybody.
Pros: Tips and free shaving cream.
Cons: Touching greasy, old man hair daily.
3. Join a posse - Preferably one for that Anoop guy on American Idol. I can't think of a single celebrity that I would be a better posse fit for than Anoop. A posse are those guys that hang out with famous guys famous people, right?
Pros: Hanging out with Anoop.
Cons: Also, hanging out with Anoop.